Whoa to you, Mr. Lame Date

I really liked Mr. Lame Date. Of course, I did not know he was a lame date at the moment I became smitten with him. I won’t even call him a boyfriend because it was so short-lived. But it was passionate and, like many relationships in the early stage, full of promise. We had a lot in common, he made me laugh, and those boy-next-door looks of his did not hurt.

Inevitably, once you get past the fun pleasantries at the initial stages you have to start sharing the some of the real-life less than ideal crap that we have floating around in our lives. My floatie is my PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. His is his ex-wife that has schizo-affective disorder.

After becoming close in a relatively short period of time he texted me today, yes, you read that right, he TEXTED me to say that he needs to “apply the brakes.” He finds me intelligent and “awfully interesting” (such an odd phrase), but he’s not ready to deal with someone who has similar issues to his ex-wife. Well, I didn’t know that PTSD and DID were similar to schizo-affective disorder!

It is sad to me that he’s made a broad generalization about my mental illness without knowing a whole lot about it. But, for me, the worst part is that I had him over to my apartment. I let very few people into my apartment, but I let him in because I really liked him.

So, Mr. Lame Date, to sum it up, you’re a first-class jerk. You knew I rarely let people into my apartment, but you persuaded me to have you over, and I allowed it. I allowed myself to get close to you, and incorrectly assessed you as one of the “good guys.” I was wrong. And perhaps most importantly, I regret giving you 4 of my freshly baked chocolate peanut butter cookies. You are so not worthy of such fine baking. Procurement of fine baked goods under false pretenses will inevitably backfire into bad karma.

Trying to keep going ….

… but it is like trying to easily get gum out of your hair.

Right now, I am stuck in a car in a parking lot. Just stuck, frozen with undefined malaise and despair. Trying to convince myself that my life is not over, that there are reasons to keep trying.

All day I’ve had that feeling of impending doom. I think it’s the warmer weather. I oddly get triggered in warmer weather, yes, it’s vexing to be that way.

The floaties are coming, and that’s not good either. How, oh how, do we turn this hot mess around that is us?

An assignment I don’t want

I saw Doc yesterday, and we made some discoveries. For a couple of months I’ve been aware of Belle, another alter. I am scared of Belle. She wants to die ALL the time. I spend a great deal of my time and energy fighting her despair and wish to die. Doc’s theory is that Belle holds all the despair and depression from childhood. She holds that for all the rest of us so that we did not have to endure it. He asked me to get a journal just for Belle. I finally did that tonight, and I am afraid to write in it as Belle. I think Belle also experienced hunger for all of us. There were times that I was truly hungry as a child, too painful to even write about right now.

The new journal lies within my tote bag, and I fear even touching it because touching it would mean I would need to take the next step and open it to write.

One of my friends posted the video from lifevestinside.com below to Facebook. It’s actually a happy video, but it made me cry, specifically at 3:11 in the video. That’s when a man gives another man a hot dog and water, and in that moment, I felt myself tear up. I know I teared up because I know what it’s like to be hungry, and I know that look when you bite into something after being hungry for so long.

And that’s it. I can’t write anymore tonight.