Category Archives: healing

Dear Hiring Manager

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Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for the job offer. Honestly, it’s actually a miracle that someone wants to hire me, let alone promote me. So, really, thank you from the bottom of my gracious heart.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your point of view, I must respectfully decline your offer.

Earlier this week I resolved that I was going to decline this offer, and then yesterday when you called me to offer me the position I was no longer sure of my decision to decline so I asked for time to think about it. You have no idea how hard it was for me to tell you that I need an alternate work schedule because of my medical condition. No, I did not tell you what my medical condition is, but I can only imagine what’s spinning through your head as possibilities. You might think to yourself, “Geesh! Twice a week appointments? Is she dying, or is she crazy?”

Yes, I’m that employee that needs a reasonable accommodation, and there may come a time when I need leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act. And let me tell you that it breaks my heart that I come this way. I wish I could just accept your job with no special accommodations. I recognize that I come with complications and red tape, but I make up for that in the fact that I love what I do, and I twist myself into knots making sure I do the best job I can every day.

I know now that I am not ready to take this step. It’s such a hard thing to admit, and my vision just went glassy with the tears that well up as I write this. I have this thing called dissociative identity disorder. The best way to describe it is that there are different parts of me that have their own functionality. This was caused by childhood trauma, and this fractured system is no longer necessary for survival, but, unfortunately, there it is chugging along as if it’s still needed. I’m in the process of integrating my different selves so that I no longer have this issue, but it’s easier said than done, and it’s actually rather complicated, and messy, and chaotic.

Today my boss said this to me: “When I first met you years ago I told my husband that very soon you would be in a leadership position because you are so good at what you do. But then all that stuff happened to you that set you back, and it makes me sad for you because I know you should be in a higher position. But I like to think, and I hope it’s true, that I’m supportive of your healing and your integration. I like to think that I help to provide a supportive environment for you here. I want so badly for you to be integrated, and ready for that next step in your career. I know I’m your boss, but I’m telling you this as a friend.”

After I digested all of that from my boss I realized that I have something unique where I am. I’m not where I want to be in my career, but I’m where I need to be for me. This is where I need to be, impatience on my part aside.

It is nice to know that in spite of all my issues, somehow, I’m still employable, and still promotable. Thank you for that.

Beatriz

Behind the curtains

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New black curtains shading for the sun.

The big heavy curtains covering the window that is my life are starting to open up. I want to fling open those heavy things. Hell, I want to rip them off their curtain rods.

Alas, I am not there yet. A sliver of light coming in through the crack between the curtains is where I am at the moment. But, trust me, those curtains are going to open. I am doing whatever it takes to open them, come what may. Without opening those curtains I will be trapped in my compartmentalized life for the rest of my living days.

Every day I am doing something, whether it’s big or small, towards the effort of opening those curtains further. Some days may be tiny steps, and other days may be leaps, but it all counts towards the goal.

I’ve no idea where any of this is going to go for my life. I have a number of dreams that have been deferred in trying to get better: writer, partner, dog owner, attorney … Hell, even “being a good friend” has been a dream deferred for a while as I now recognize that there have been significant periods of time when I was too compromised with dissociation to truly be a good friend.

The world outside of those curtains is a mysterious and scary dark sea, but I am jumping in, nonetheless. At least when the day comes when I’m drawing my last breath I will know that I tried my best. I may not succeed at all my dreams, but I sure as hell will have tried my best.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The compartmentalized life

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With dissociation, life is so often only partially lived, 1/10, 1/3, 1/2, 3/4, depending on how we are coping with our condition. I might even be at the 2/3 point right now. It’s eye opening to realize that some of my choices have not been fully my own. I realize that all of these parts are part of me, but I consider true choices as ones that I make as Beatriz and no one else.

DID has kept me from a full life. Dissociation does that. It compartmentalizes your life in such an organized fashion that you don’t experience all of it. You are shut out, but you don’t even know it.

Yesterday as I was driving I had another revelation. Doc has said that they will come if I am open to them. It sounds like that is indeed coming true because yesterday was the first day I’ve been truly and fully open to memories and answers.

I was driving to get gas, and I felt Letty start to cry. It’s such a strange sensation to know that I, Beatriz, am okay and calm, yet another part of me, Letty, is upset.

“Letty, honey, what is it?”

“I am sorry. I am so sorry. It’s my fault … It’s my fault that we ran out from the place in New York with Michael.”

And in that instant I knew what she was talking about. I knew she meant the night almost three years ago I ran out of a club on the Lower East Side with Michael, the night I was so dissociative that I didn’t know what was going on, just that I was in a fog and in a state of fear that made no sense.

As I grasp this realization I also have a flash of Sabrina and Belle before me. I learn that Sabrina was the one who desperately wanted a drink. Belle wanted to die during that entire situation. No wonder I was such a mess at the time as I was a musical chair of selves revolving in and out at that club. It is no wonder I felt like passing out at times that night.

I’m taking all of this in when I realize that Letty is still crying, and still trying to talk to me.

“I am sorry, sorry, sorry … I am the one who ran out from there. I scared Michael …”

“Honey, we all scared Michael, not just you. It was a scary thing that happened for everyone. It’s no one’s fault. I didn’t know about you guys so that I could help you. If I had known I would have helped everyone. I am the one who is sorry, sweetie. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We have to forgive ourselves sweetheart because no one meant any harm that night, not you, not Belle, not Sabrina, not me, and not Michael. Everyone was just doing their own job. Your job is to keep a look out, and make sure everyone is safe. You were trying to do that. Sabrina’s job is to escape from what is happening using things like drinking. Belle’s job is to hold all of our bad yucky feelings, and she was doing that very thing. All of you did your job. How can you be in trouble for that? Now that I know about you guys we are working together so that things like that don’t happen again.”

“Will Michael be mad when finds out?”

“I really don’t think so, honey. Remember how Michael told you the other night that real friends understand? I think this is one of those situations where a real friend will understand what happened. He’s a real friend. There may have been times when he was scared, but, even in those times, he was always our friend.”

Over and over again in my mind I have regretted that night, and blamed myself for the way things played out afterwards. With this revelation I learned that our night on the Lower East Side could only end the way it did. Not knowing about the system meant that everyone continued to operate and do their own thing. There is no other way that night could have ended given the knowledge I did not possess.

I may not have ever learned about my DID if I did not go through all that pain and confusion.

It had to happen they way it happened.