The big heavy curtains covering the window that is my life are starting to open up. I want to fling open those heavy things. Hell, I want to rip them off their curtain rods.
Alas, I am not there yet. A sliver of light coming in through the crack between the curtains is where I am at the moment. But, trust me, those curtains are going to open. I am doing whatever it takes to open them, come what may. Without opening those curtains I will be trapped in my compartmentalized life for the rest of my living days.
Every day I am doing something, whether it’s big or small, towards the effort of opening those curtains further. Some days may be tiny steps, and other days may be leaps, but it all counts towards the goal.
I’ve no idea where any of this is going to go for my life. I have a number of dreams that have been deferred in trying to get better: writer, partner, dog owner, attorney … Hell, even “being a good friend” has been a dream deferred for a while as I now recognize that there have been significant periods of time when I was too compromised with dissociation to truly be a good friend.
The world outside of those curtains is a mysterious and scary dark sea, but I am jumping in, nonetheless. At least when the day comes when I’m drawing my last breath I will know that I tried my best. I may not succeed at all my dreams, but I sure as hell will have tried my best.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
just remember, the world will still be here, waiting, as you open the curtains up, crack by crack. really.
I think it’s my age that’s nagging at me. I feel like I’ve missed so much in life because of dissociation, and I have this fear that I’m going to miss it altogether because the years are passing by …