the grocery store

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I was doing fine until this evening. Now I feel panicky and twitchy. In an effort to combat my panicky and twitchy feeling I took myself to the grocery store. I had forgotten a few items on the first trip to the store so I thought it was a good time to go back out.

In an odd, but helpful turn of events, my shopping list landed me in the refrigerated and freezer aisles, a perfect place to get grounded with the cold temperature!

First, I needed iced tea.

That unsweetened tea sells rather quickly, as you can see! People are learning that unsweetened is better.

Then I needed yogurt, which was across from the tea.

I got lucky. They had my Fage Plain 0% Fat yogurt. It often runs out! I had my items and started heading to cash out when I noticed the ice cream aisle. So, of course, I headed for some ice cream.

Is that Edy’s Slow Churned Vanilla Bean in the single serving size? Yes it is! Am I lactose intolerant? Yes, I am, but that’s why they invented lactaid pills.

Going to the grocery store was a good distraction, and I got the items I previously forgot, minus the ice cream. That was a bonus impulse buy. I am not completely out of the triggery panicky woods, but I think I’m better off by having gone to the store, and I’m certainly not worse off for the trip.

Everyday we do the best we can.

measures of success

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Measure of Success

I shouldn’t be on here writing. I really need to be grocery shopping and getting ready for my work meeting tomorrow. But I found that I’ve been staring off into space for at least 3o minutes, so I might as well be somewhat productive by writing.

It’s been a tough handful of days, but I think today has been the hardest thus far. I wasn’t able to get to sleep until after 5 am! Then I slept until 1:20 pm! I think I was terrified to sleep because I’ve been having nightmares, and it’s also the dreaded anniversary time. Tuesday is the actual anniversary date, but I can feel the build up. I’ve known peeps that have said to me, “Well, don’t acknowledge it. Let it be any other day.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? Let’s just find the automatic shut-off system to my brain. If it were only so simple. I would welcome the opportunity to let the day pass on by like any other.

I can tell I’m losing time here and there. For example, yesterday I needed to mail a book back that I rented. I told myself I needed to get the packing tape and book out of my office to package the book to mail it back to Barnes and Noble. I went to my office, and could not find the tape and the book. I then came back out to the living room to see both items sitting on the coffee table. I had just been sitting near the coffee table when I got up to go to the office.  Seeing both items on the coffee table gave me the heebs. I have no memory of retrieving those items. Dissociation time is upon me! It’s a scary thing to feel that you cannot trust your brain.

Everything is in slow motion today, like the fast forward button on the DVR is stuck on super slow. Today I managed to get dishes in the dishwasher, and that felt like a ridiculous victory. Then I picked up my laundry from the laundromat, and felt victorious again. Kinda funny since I didn’t even wash or fold the clothes. I just picked them up, but that feat took me 2 hours to complete. Waking up, making myself get out of bed, talking myself into facing the day, getting ready, etc. All of that took two hours!

My measures of success change depending on how I’m doing.

(Photo credit: hijukal)

I don’t pretend

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vintage bridal shower invite

I don’t pretend. It’s a gift and  curse rolled into one. I received one bridal invitation, and I am anticipating a second one soon for another person. The two gals, Anita and Anastasia are the brides-to-be. I work with both of them. Anastasia and I are not close at all. We’ve never been kindred spirits. We pretty much keep to ourselves and our own crowd.

However, Anita and I used to be very good friends. In fact, she was one of the first people I opened up to about my sexual assault four years ago right after it happened. Unfortunately, she was less than a friend about the whole experience. Her first words to me were, “I’m sorry, but I can’t handle this.” These words were devastating to me, and it took me a couple of years to understand that there was a very personal reason for her that caused her to respond this way that had nothing to do with me. I can now understand and respect a person feeling this way. What made it worse was the fact that she carried on after that as if nothing happened with me. She would not ask me how I was doing, and as soon as she realized I was no longer the “fun girl” I used to be she moved on and out of our friendship. We’ve tried to mend this fence, but we’re left just feeling awkward around each other. We have no ill will towards each other, but we also no longer have the friendship kind of love that used to connect us.

My point is that I won’t be attending either bridal shower. My logic is that I am not friends with either one. Some of my friends think I should go, especially since I work with both of them. Screw that! I don’t play politics. I don’t do obligatory crap, and I don’t pretend.

I pretended for so long in my life, and it’s no longer in my bones to pretend. I pretended to care about my parents long after the love had died, and it ate at me. I pretended to be fine while I drank and had sex addictively, so much so that those addictions played a part in my sexual assault.

There is no more pretending. I am not an actress. I am me, and the beauty and upside of that is when I tell I love you, and that you mean a lot to me in my life you know it is true and real. When I hug you and greet you warmly, and ask you how you are doing you know that it is real and sincere. You never have to wonder if I mean what I say.

I don’t pretend.

(Photo credit: lulubrooks)