Tag Archives: anxiety

the dark tunnel …

Posted on by

4

Entering the catacombes in Paris, a long, dark...

I’m in that dark tunnel with no end, no way out. Too many things feel like a catastrophe. I’m walking and walking and walking and there is no way out. It just goes on forever.

My heart is in my throat. And the reason for all this drama … My new psychiatrist told me that I have to give up my current therapist. It’s not an unusual request, but I feel like the bottom just fell out from under me. My therapist has been the one constant I’ve had for the past six years. The only insight I have is that this news along with moving my office at work has sent me spinning. I admit that it does not make sense, and that these seem like insignificant things in the greater scheme of things, especially the office move. But, still, here I am freaked out. Insignificant or not, stupid or not, I am still a wreck.Apparently these things are triggers for me.

I can’t think anymore today. My body is racked with aches from shaking so hard, and crying. I don’t want to be like this, yet here I am. This is a short post because I need to sleep.

A Move

Posted on by

0

This was one of those very bad days. Let’s be clear, it was a historically bad day in the history of my bad days, and that’s saying quite a bit. Where to begin? Perhaps with some context …

Moving, any kind of moving has been a trigger for me for the longest time. I don’t know if it has to do with my childhood fear of homelessness, as that’s the only clue I have as why moving is so upsetting to me. Moving a residence, an office cube, even a bedroom is triggering for me. I wish it weren’t. Honestly, I do. Truly, I feel like a nut case that needs to be put away because this is such an issue for me.

So, where am I moving? Out of the state? Across the street? No, that would actually make a bit of sense. I am moving from one office cube to another on a different floor, and I was a basket case today about it, an authentic loca woman. I’ve been freaky friday stressed about it with all the packing and distraction from my work. However, today was the breaking point with the discovery that the area that I indicated would be best for me was given to another colleague who was asked if they wanted the very same cube. Yes, for normal people this would not be a breaking point. I get that completely. However, when I saw that I was sitting right in the middle in the midst of racket and noise I just fell apart. I felt disregarded and dismissed.

I started to get that feeling like I was in a tunnel of which I could not escape. I’ll spare you the details except to say that I melted and cried and felt floaty.

I wish I could have remembered how to do the tapping technique during this mess, and a mess it sure was.

We just have to get though this. I can get through this.

I have to convince myself that moving my cube is not homelessness. It’s not. It’s just moving from one work space to another. That is all. Nothing more.

Empty

Posted on by

0

So, we go from awesomeness to stress! Such is my life, unfortunately. I’ve got that freaky anxious feeling today that I can’t shake, and it seems like I can’t shake any opportunity to start freaking out: work assignments, money, etc. It feels like my insides want to take off and run. Even when I’m sitting trying to relax I feel like I am tight, unable to relax.

I got teary at work talking about my work load. We have to move out of our spaces on the 4th floor and move up to the 5th floor. Moving, any kind of move, is historically not a good thing for me. It doesn’t help that I already don’t have enough time to get my work done. Everyone is trying to be supportive at work, but still, I got teary. I just feel like a dope.

Those feelings are back, the feelings of worthlessness and futility. I should stop typing because this is hardly inspiring. As of yet, I have no readers. But when I do get readers this isn’t exactly the type of drivel most people want to read.

Searching my brain for something worthwhile to say, and I am coming up empty, which is how I feel – empty.

Fighting ideation. That’s bad bad news. It’s the unwelcome guest at the inn.

I hope tomorrow is better.