Tag Archives: dating

To Michael

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English: Broken Heart symbol

Dear Michael,

I miss you, still miss you though it’s been over a year since we parted ways. Honestly, I wish you were out of my mind forever. It would make it easier to get through life. But the truth is that you’re in my mind a lot, more than I would like. I know that we went our separate ways because of my PTSD, and that fact makes me mad at myself. I keep thinking that if I had just been better, less apt to start shaking that we would still be together. You might be confused with all of this since I’m the one that walked away ,but I knew you were freaked out by the PTSD. I knew it was untenable.

You were special, a rarity of a person that does not come around everyday. When I’m really missing you badly I reach down into my soul, and find that part of me that felt your deep love for me. Just thinking of it right now makes me cry. I don’t just cry because I miss you, I cry because no one ever loved me that deeply, and it still amazes me. I wish I had been aware the that last time I kissed you or hugged you would be the last time forever. I would have lingered longer, treasured it more, paid more attention to the entire moment. I would have made sure to inhale your scent one last time so that I could try to bottle it up in my memory bank forever.

I vividly remember one night when we were together and you started telling me how special I was, and you asked me to promise that I would always remember that I’m special. You started saying, “Promise me, promise me …” I then noticed that you were teary as you were imploring me to remember that I’m special. When I look back I wonder if that was the last night we spent together, but my brain fails me, and I’m not sure if it was.

Cooking with you was fun, so fun that it did not feel like work when we did it together. We were so good at cooking together it was like choreography. We were magic when we cooked, no doubt about it. You were a great cook, and I was a fab baker, a perfect match. Every time I hear Michael Jackson on the radio I remember rocking out to those silly songs while we were making dinner one night.

I’ve never spoken to someone about myself like I did with you. It’s because of you that I write again. You helped me rediscover my love of writing, and I treasure that you helped me remember that I love writing. I was able to be myself with you, and I love you for that.

We were close to having a forever love together, so close that it might have been better for my heart if we had been nowhere near such a thing.

I suppose it’s still good that we met, even though I miss you terribly. I write again because of you, and I see myself in a different, better light because of you. Still though, I try not to let my mind embrace the fact that I will likely never see you again.My mind shuts down when I think of this, so I just let it float, float into the vast lake of the unknown with a droplet of hope that will likely never be.

Yours always,

Beatriz

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dipping a toe into the world of dating

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Almost one week later I’m still seeing Jimmy, the guy I met last Saturday. At this point he knows the important highlights about me: the fact that I’m in sobriety, have PTSD and a dissociative disorder. He’s actually good with all of that as he’s a psychiatric nurse, so that partially explains his empathetic manner.

However, and here’s where I’m a bit cautious, I really think we may have a significant difference between us. I tend to stay out of my apartment as much as I can because I tend to lose time there. It’s odd, but I do better “out in the world” like hanging out a coffee shop, or going out to a diner. Whereas, he has such high anxiety that his default is staying home, and it sounds like he stays home a lot. He doesn’t travel, go see live music, or go on long car rides if he can help it. It seems like he stays home as much as he can.

Also, early this week he was texting me a number of times a day while I was at work. I did tell him that it was too much of a distraction to get that many texts during the work day. I also told him that I was feeling like it was too much too soon. To his credit, he’s giving me some more breathing space now.

I’m seeing him on Saturday. It’s actually kind of a challenge for us to come up with things to do because we’re so divergent in our preferences. I suggested live Celtic music, and he suggested a movie at his apartment. The compromise is going out to an ice cream stand near the airport to watch the planes take off. We’ll see how things go.

No matter what, keep going

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That’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been keeping up the good fight, regardless of how I’ve felt. Also, I am very grateful to everyone that has left such supportive comments, and has been patient with me, and my dreary self these past several days.

It’s bad for me not to post regularly, as I’m absolutely stuck on what to write, what to say. I can start with what’s new in my world. I went on a date last night. I know that may sound a bit mad, as I’ve not been in the best state of mind lately.

It was one of those accidental things. I logged on to my match.com account out of curiosity. I had not been on the site in a couple of months. I saw that I had an email from a guy with whom I have a number of things in common with, a rarity! I’m rarely this interested in a person, but I emailed him back right away. Thankfully, he had only emailed me two days prior.

So, I checked in with all the parts if they thought this was a good idea. Someone had a mild objection. I’m not sure who, but we worked through it. I promised that if it seemed even remotely iffy we would be out of there.

Strangely, but wonderfully, I did not start to shake during the date. We just went for tea, but you never know what will start me shaking. He was very much a gentleman, and all the parts approved of him. Everyone was well behaved, so this bodes well for him.

Somehow I let it slip that I blog. He then asked me what I blog about, and I realized that I was stuck, as I was not going to lie. I said that I blog about my PTSD, and I said that I wasn’t sure if that was too much information. His face then softened, and he said that he understood better than I knew, that 9/11 is very hard for him every year. He then looked at me, and said that if he ever does anything to trigger me to please tell him, and that not to worry as it’s not too much information.

It’s promising, and I do like him. But I’m cautious, as I know he does not have anything close to even half the picture of me. I’m not even sure if I should be dating. Though I do know that I’m comfortable around him, and that does not come easily for me. We shall see.