Tag Archives: dissociation

Letty, it will be okay.

Posted on by

4

Letty did not want to leave my friend’s house today. It broke her heart to leave as we had been there all weekend. She cried in the car for much of the way home. It was a long two and a half hours home. It’s still disconcerting to have the awareness that there is a part of me that was upset with leaving, and another part that was very calm about it.

Honestly, it’s incredibly difficult to write about the inner details of my DID. This is why I write less than I used to a year ago, or at least that’s my theory.

I know I should write more, think more about why Letty gets upset when she anticipates being alone. But my brain just shuts down when I contemplate this, and when I start to write my brain goes blank as well.

Doc says there’s answers in how and why selves react to certain things.

But I suppose I’m not ready to do this yet because when I start to look at what Letty is feeling I get floaty.

All I can do is tell Letty that it will be okay. But I don’t know that it will be okay. It’s what I hope for us, more like a prayer, a wish, a hope set out into the universe every time it is uttered.

Sick and freaked

Posted on by

3

For the past two days I’ve been sick. I don’t think there’s an organic reason. I think it’s directly related to anxiety. This was the weekend five years ago that I struggled to find a reason to continue living. It was the weekend after the nonconsensual experience with a person I knew.

Then today a friend of mine and I went to an event I actually attended five years ago this very same weekend. I was aware of this when I agreed to go with my friend this weekend. I thought it would be a way to make a new and better memory. But then it was very hot outside, and heat is a trigger for me. I think between the heat, and the event itself my body just freaked, and I became ill.

And, getting sick is a whole other trigger for me. I had to tell all the peeps the following:

“We are not dying. We are just sick. Yes, it is unpleasant, but we are very likely not going to die from this. This is no one’s fault. No one is in trouble. No one is bad because we got sick. Let me repeat … No one is in trouble.”

It’s a balancing when I get sick because I have to take care of myself, and then I have to tend to others as well. Much like being a parent that gets sick when the rest of the family is also ill.

Though I think we’re finally coming around the bend from the sickness.

Friendship intervention

Posted on by

3

Friendship Way, Stratford Way)&t=m Friendship ...

Yesterday was a miserable foggy soup that I found myself lost in for most of the day. Everything was in super slow motion. I was at home trying to get dressed. Most people can take 15 – 30 minutes, depending on the person. Whereas, it took me a few hours.

My friend K showed what a very good friend he is. I had sent him a foggy email minutes prior to him calling me. He called me, and on the phone he had me account for my keys, cardigan, Ipad, and purse before I walked out the door. He stayed on the phone with me until I finally made it out to my car, driving, and on my way to some place to eat. He’s a good friend indeed.

Then, after I ate, I knew I needed to get to a coffee shop. So I drove to one nearby, probably less than 2 miles, and then just sat there in the car stuck, unable to move. I don’t know why I was stuck, but I was. I was in the foggy soup again. I had been sitting there for at least 20 minutes when K called to check in on me. Sometimes the universe knows when we need friendship intervention, and I certainly needed it then.

K proceeded to take my mind off my foggy soup situation by being the perpetually endearing idiot that he can be. He had sound effects, different voices, weird jokes, bad jokes, off color jokes, and good jokes. He literally performed his entire repertoire for me while I was on the phone with him in front of that coffee shop. Or, at least, it felt like his entire repertoire.

We talked for such a long time that it became dark outside, but the coffee shop was still open, and I was no longer foggy.

Thank you, K, for being such a good friend.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)