Tag Archives: postaday

God’s house is closed for business

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Restaurant's "Sorry we're Closed" sign

Today I became angry at my psychiatrist. This is a new experience for me. I am angry at Doc, and can hardly see straight.  It all began when Doc asked me how I was doing today. I had a hard time articulating that I was having a hard time because it was *that* day, the day the unthinkable happened 4 years ago. When I finally told him what day it was he started using the R word over and over again. I finally just became angry at him, and asked him to stop. Doc then started talking about that’s what happened to me (the R word), and I cut him off because I did not want to hear it. Then he pointed out that it still upsets me. We have a genius on our hands peeps!

Then, somehow, we started talking about my dissociation. I don’t recall how we got on that topic.

Based on what I shared about my dissociation Doc then announced to me that he was changing my diagnosis to “dissociative disorder not otherwise specified.” Then he started asking me questions where he was addressing “all the parts of me!” That just scared me, and threw me. I didn’t understand why he was doing that. To me, it sounded like he thought I might have DID, and I asked him if he thought I had that. He said he didn’t know yet, but that it didn’t matter. Whatever I had I had, it was just a label. Easy for him to say. I kept asking what all this meant-the diagnosis change, asking questions of all the parts of me. Finally he just got exasperated with my questions, and said that it doesn’t matter because the diagnosis does not change the core of me. Still, though, it mattered to me.

Just like that, with a flick of the pen, I went from being diagnosed with PTSD to having that revised to a diagnosis of dissociative disorder not otherwise specified, with a possible revision later.

The session ended, and I was mad and upset. I’m sure it was obvious, but he just said, “I’ll see you on Thursday.” Okay. Glad to not make you late for lunch. (Our session ended at noon.)

I left his office in tears, and noticed the cute little Lutheran church right across the street from his office. I wanted, more than anything, to sit in a quiet church. I pulled open the door, or rather, I tried to pull open the door. But, it was locked. The church was closed in the middle of the day. Perhaps I’m naive, but I thought churches were at least open during the day for people to go in and pray, if they so choose. Maybe not? I don’t know where I got this idea, but I was incorrect in this presumption.

It also felt incredibly lonely in the world at that moment. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day, but there I was trying to pry open the door to a closed church with snot all over my face from crying, a very fine moment for me, indeed.

So, I made myself go to this art sculpture park that was nearby. It was weird. I tried to like it, but I couldn’t conjure a like for it.

Then I called a work friend to ask her about an assignment she was covering for me since I was off today. She told me it was taken care of, and there was nothing to worry about. I then thanked her for being nice to me, and started to cry. Poor thing, that really threw her.

Right now, I just can’t think of what I talked about with Doc. It scares me, and I am so mad at him for just side-swiping me with this information.

Oh, yeah, and God, I’d like to address you as well while I’m at it … how do you feel about the closed churches during the day? Surely that does not please you. I don’t get it. Your house should be open for business, at least at noon on a Tuesday.

(Photo credit: Nick Papakyriazis)

the grocery store

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I was doing fine until this evening. Now I feel panicky and twitchy. In an effort to combat my panicky and twitchy feeling I took myself to the grocery store. I had forgotten a few items on the first trip to the store so I thought it was a good time to go back out.

In an odd, but helpful turn of events, my shopping list landed me in the refrigerated and freezer aisles, a perfect place to get grounded with the cold temperature!

First, I needed iced tea.

That unsweetened tea sells rather quickly, as you can see! People are learning that unsweetened is better.

Then I needed yogurt, which was across from the tea.

I got lucky. They had my Fage Plain 0% Fat yogurt. It often runs out! I had my items and started heading to cash out when I noticed the ice cream aisle. So, of course, I headed for some ice cream.

Is that Edy’s Slow Churned Vanilla Bean in the single serving size? Yes it is! Am I lactose intolerant? Yes, I am, but that’s why they invented lactaid pills.

Going to the grocery store was a good distraction, and I got the items I previously forgot, minus the ice cream. That was a bonus impulse buy. I am not completely out of the triggery panicky woods, but I think I’m better off by having gone to the store, and I’m certainly not worse off for the trip.

Everyday we do the best we can.

measures of success

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Measure of Success

I shouldn’t be on here writing. I really need to be grocery shopping and getting ready for my work meeting tomorrow. But I found that I’ve been staring off into space for at least 3o minutes, so I might as well be somewhat productive by writing.

It’s been a tough handful of days, but I think today has been the hardest thus far. I wasn’t able to get to sleep until after 5 am! Then I slept until 1:20 pm! I think I was terrified to sleep because I’ve been having nightmares, and it’s also the dreaded anniversary time. Tuesday is the actual anniversary date, but I can feel the build up. I’ve known peeps that have said to me, “Well, don’t acknowledge it. Let it be any other day.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? Let’s just find the automatic shut-off system to my brain. If it were only so simple. I would welcome the opportunity to let the day pass on by like any other.

I can tell I’m losing time here and there. For example, yesterday I needed to mail a book back that I rented. I told myself I needed to get the packing tape and book out of my office to package the book to mail it back to Barnes and Noble. I went to my office, and could not find the tape and the book. I then came back out to the living room to see both items sitting on the coffee table. I had just been sitting near the coffee table when I got up to go to the office.  Seeing both items on the coffee table gave me the heebs. I have no memory of retrieving those items. Dissociation time is upon me! It’s a scary thing to feel that you cannot trust your brain.

Everything is in slow motion today, like the fast forward button on the DVR is stuck on super slow. Today I managed to get dishes in the dishwasher, and that felt like a ridiculous victory. Then I picked up my laundry from the laundromat, and felt victorious again. Kinda funny since I didn’t even wash or fold the clothes. I just picked them up, but that feat took me 2 hours to complete. Waking up, making myself get out of bed, talking myself into facing the day, getting ready, etc. All of that took two hours!

My measures of success change depending on how I’m doing.

(Photo credit: hijukal)