Walls,
dividers,
and partitions
are the glue of the DID brain.
When those start to crack,
fall,
and falter
chaos ensues,
and life is never the same again.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Tag Archives: Posttraumatic stress disorder
There are limits
There are inherent limits with DID.
With DID you watch the world pass you by. On your strongest days you feel like you can do anything, but the feeling is fleeting, and not sustainable.
It was on one of my strongest days that I applied for a promotion in a different office. There may be a job offer tomorrow that I have to turn down.
And I sit here frozen because typing any further renders me teary.
I know the awesomeness of my productivity and skill set is inside me, but the state of my system in the midst of integration renders this as not a good time for this kind of change.
But it angers me because I see others passing me by into other positions that I know I can excel in if my system was more stable.
I don’t want these limits, but they are there nonetheless. No amount of wishing or determination will extricate them out of my system, at least for today.
I trick myself into believing that I can really rock it as a professional, and that I can burst right through the limits that DID imposes on me because I am one hell of a determined woman.
I just want to excel in my career.
But with DID there are limits.
Dear Mr. Last Date
Dear Mr. Last Date,
The yellow and peach roses you gave me on our second date last Sunday are still blooming on my dining room table. I find it ironic that they’ve outlived our dating venture. Today the yellow one is in full beautiful bloom. It still makes me smile every time I see it.
Last night was our last date, and that’s okay. It truly is okay.
Thank you for being candid and straightforward about not wanting to pursue a dating relationship with me. It’s okay that the PTSD is a deal-breaker. I actually kind of knew it was coming. Somehow, I’m not sure exactly how, I assessed that once you learned about my PTSD that we would be done with dating. I figured that with the fact that you have young children, and your OCD that it would not be a fit.
You said you want to be friends, and I hope that does come to fruition, though you can understand my skepticism as I’ve been told this a few times before.
You didn’t get to learn that I also have DID, but that’s just as well. I’ve learned to be incremental in disclosing my issues. I’m glad I did it this way as I might have felt worse if I had told you I had DID, and you dropped me at that point. I’m not sure why, but the rejection with DID is the hardest for me to take. It makes no sense to me that it’s that difficult for me as I understand why that’s usually the deal breaker for most people.
Mostly, I just want to say “thank you” for being kind and honest with me. It seems that those two items are in short supply these days.
I’ve not yet eaten my leftovers from that last date. Tomorrow the flowers will be wilted, the leftovers will be eaten, and that will be that.
Beatriz
A Year in the Life of PTSD 
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