Though there was less freaking out externally today, internally we still had a full program. There was the moment I wanted to get under my desk. That is nothing new, and nothing at work was causing that feeling. I have that desire come up from time to time, and I just talk myself out of it, especially at work.
AND then there was the moment when I was helping my colleague proof read his disciplinary charges against an employee. In this instance it was a fight that occurred in the workplace. When you charge someone with discipline for this kind of infraction you have to be very careful how you write the charges. I asked my colleague questions about some of what was written regarding how the fight happened. I didn’t quite understand some of what was written, so he asked if could demonstrate on me. I said sure because I knew the essence of the fight, and I knew he just wanted to show me in slow motion what he was conveying in the charges.
This demonstration lasted less than 5 seconds. He basically had one hand on my arm, and the other hand on my opposite shoulder for a very brief moment of time. It was all on the up and up, and it did help understand what he wrote.
Unfortunately, I felt nauseous, and I could tell my teeth wanted to chatter. It vexes me because this person is a fine person whom I trust and respect very much. I understand having these feelings around people who make me nervous, or people I don’t care for, but this was not the case.
This is why I completely and utterly hate you PTSD. I absolutely deplore you because you are inherently unfair. You invariably make your appearance during situations that are otherwise fine. Just go away, and stop with all the drama and fits. I would like to move on with my life, and, most of all, I would like to freak out only when things that warrant freaking out are really happening. Stop the mind games please. We all know you can outlast, now move on. I have better things to do.
Amen to that, it just never lets up. Sorry you’re struggling too. xo
Yeah, physical contact is rough for me, too. I can (usually) handle it in my martial arts classes because I know it’s coming. But outside of that, I really dislike being touched. I’m never sure if I’m going to launch into martial arts moves automatically and hurt somebody without meaning to, but that’s only happened once. Most of the time I freeze up and get all PTSD-ish.
Yeah, my therapist advised not to do that again even in the same scenario where I know and like the person, and know it’s coming. Apparently, its too much for my system even under those circumstances.
Keep your chin up, B 🙂