Category Archives: anxiety

What can I say?

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12

I’ve no idea what to say. For the first time ever I did not post yesterday and the day before. I came home and slept/dissociated through the night starting at around 7 pm. Shell-shocked is how I feel. The more I think about it the more I realize that the DID diagnosis is likely accurate. I don’t want it to be, but when I am able to put the fear aside, and really think about it the whole concept makes a bit of sense. It just takes my breath away.

I don’t know how I’m getting by as I’m on the edge with my anxiety.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive. I apologize as I have not been reading other blogs or responding to comments these past few days. My absence is not a reflection of how I feel about you guys. I’ve just been trying to make sense of all of this.

the grocery store

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12

I was doing fine until this evening. Now I feel panicky and twitchy. In an effort to combat my panicky and twitchy feeling I took myself to the grocery store. I had forgotten a few items on the first trip to the store so I thought it was a good time to go back out.

In an odd, but helpful turn of events, my shopping list landed me in the refrigerated and freezer aisles, a perfect place to get grounded with the cold temperature!

First, I needed iced tea.

That unsweetened tea sells rather quickly, as you can see! People are learning that unsweetened is better.

Then I needed yogurt, which was across from the tea.

I got lucky. They had my Fage Plain 0% Fat yogurt. It often runs out! I had my items and started heading to cash out when I noticed the ice cream aisle. So, of course, I headed for some ice cream.

Is that Edy’s Slow Churned Vanilla Bean in the single serving size? Yes it is! Am I lactose intolerant? Yes, I am, but that’s why they invented lactaid pills.

Going to the grocery store was a good distraction, and I got the items I previously forgot, minus the ice cream. That was a bonus impulse buy. I am not completely out of the triggery panicky woods, but I think I’m better off by having gone to the store, and I’m certainly not worse off for the trip.

Everyday we do the best we can.

measures of success

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14

Measure of Success

I shouldn’t be on here writing. I really need to be grocery shopping and getting ready for my work meeting tomorrow. But I found that I’ve been staring off into space for at least 3o minutes, so I might as well be somewhat productive by writing.

It’s been a tough handful of days, but I think today has been the hardest thus far. I wasn’t able to get to sleep until after 5 am! Then I slept until 1:20 pm! I think I was terrified to sleep because I’ve been having nightmares, and it’s also the dreaded anniversary time. Tuesday is the actual anniversary date, but I can feel the build up. I’ve known peeps that have said to me, “Well, don’t acknowledge it. Let it be any other day.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? Let’s just find the automatic shut-off system to my brain. If it were only so simple. I would welcome the opportunity to let the day pass on by like any other.

I can tell I’m losing time here and there. For example, yesterday I needed to mail a book back that I rented. I told myself I needed to get the packing tape and book out of my office to package the book to mail it back to Barnes and Noble. I went to my office, and could not find the tape and the book. I then came back out to the living room to see both items sitting on the coffee table. I had just been sitting near the coffee table when I got up to go to the office.  Seeing both items on the coffee table gave me the heebs. I have no memory of retrieving those items. Dissociation time is upon me! It’s a scary thing to feel that you cannot trust your brain.

Everything is in slow motion today, like the fast forward button on the DVR is stuck on super slow. Today I managed to get dishes in the dishwasher, and that felt like a ridiculous victory. Then I picked up my laundry from the laundromat, and felt victorious again. Kinda funny since I didn’t even wash or fold the clothes. I just picked them up, but that feat took me 2 hours to complete. Waking up, making myself get out of bed, talking myself into facing the day, getting ready, etc. All of that took two hours!

My measures of success change depending on how I’m doing.

(Photo credit: hijukal)