Category Archives: career

Fork in the road

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English: A fork in the road Which way should i go?

What happens when we have a choice before us that can be life-changing?

You are at that fork in the road, and you desperately want to make the right choice, the best damn choice. But life does not provide a crystal ball into the future. You make your best guess. You talk to friends, colleagues, therapists, siblings, ex-boyfriends, and in the end, only you can assess and decide what to do.

And when the choice before you includes things you’ve always wanted it makes choosing so confusing and confounding. You want to go with what you want. Everyone wants what they want. But what we want in the moment isn’t always what is best for us. Knowing this, and even applying this is hard and it can even be heart-breaking.

And, yes, I’m talking about my decision earlier this week not to take a promotion. It’s absolutely mind-blowing to know that either direction this decision was going to be life-changing. The good news is that the job was then offered to my very fine colleague and friend that I’ve had the pleasure of working with for the past year. Happy/sad feelings abounded with that news. The job could not have gone to a better person. I will miss him though.

Life goes on when we make a life-changing choice. It goes on, and plays out the choice we made, for better or for worse. Only time will reveal the wisdom of our choice.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Hiring Manager

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Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for the job offer. Honestly, it’s actually a miracle that someone wants to hire me, let alone promote me. So, really, thank you from the bottom of my gracious heart.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your point of view, I must respectfully decline your offer.

Earlier this week I resolved that I was going to decline this offer, and then yesterday when you called me to offer me the position I was no longer sure of my decision to decline so I asked for time to think about it. You have no idea how hard it was for me to tell you that I need an alternate work schedule because of my medical condition. No, I did not tell you what my medical condition is, but I can only imagine what’s spinning through your head as possibilities. You might think to yourself, “Geesh! Twice a week appointments? Is she dying, or is she crazy?”

Yes, I’m that employee that needs a reasonable accommodation, and there may come a time when I need leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act. And let me tell you that it breaks my heart that I come this way. I wish I could just accept your job with no special accommodations. I recognize that I come with complications and red tape, but I make up for that in the fact that I love what I do, and I twist myself into knots making sure I do the best job I can every day.

I know now that I am not ready to take this step. It’s such a hard thing to admit, and my vision just went glassy with the tears that well up as I write this. I have this thing called dissociative identity disorder. The best way to describe it is that there are different parts of me that have their own functionality. This was caused by childhood trauma, and this fractured system is no longer necessary for survival, but, unfortunately, there it is chugging along as if it’s still needed. I’m in the process of integrating my different selves so that I no longer have this issue, but it’s easier said than done, and it’s actually rather complicated, and messy, and chaotic.

Today my boss said this to me: “When I first met you years ago I told my husband that very soon you would be in a leadership position because you are so good at what you do. But then all that stuff happened to you that set you back, and it makes me sad for you because I know you should be in a higher position. But I like to think, and I hope it’s true, that I’m supportive of your healing and your integration. I like to think that I help to provide a supportive environment for you here. I want so badly for you to be integrated, and ready for that next step in your career. I know I’m your boss, but I’m telling you this as a friend.”

After I digested all of that from my boss I realized that I have something unique where I am. I’m not where I want to be in my career, but I’m where I need to be for me. This is where I need to be, impatience on my part aside.

It is nice to know that in spite of all my issues, somehow, I’m still employable, and still promotable. Thank you for that.

Beatriz

There are limits

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There are inherent limits with DID.

With DID you watch the world pass you by. On your strongest days you feel like you can do anything, but the feeling is fleeting, and not sustainable.

It was on one of my strongest days that I applied for a promotion in a different office. There may be a job offer tomorrow that I have to turn down.

And I sit here frozen because typing any further renders me teary.

I know the awesomeness of my productivity and skill set is inside me, but the state of my system in the midst of integration renders this as not a good time for this kind of change.

But it angers me because I see others passing me by into other positions that I know I can excel in if my system was more stable.

I don’t want these limits, but they are there nonetheless. No amount of wishing or determination will extricate them out of my system, at least for today.

I trick myself into believing that I can really rock it as a professional, and that I can burst right through the limits that DID imposes on me because I am one hell of a determined woman.

I just want to excel in my career.

But with DID there are limits.