hope, no hope …

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Somehow, you can live. You can thrive. It doesn’t have to be this.

It will never change it will always be THIS … this existence. 

It doesn’t have to be. Talk to people. Get outside. Find the people that care.

When do you ever learn? People only care for a finite period of time. It ALWAYS ends in some form. You … we scare people away. Stop trying to make friends. Get the message. If you’re going to stay in this life accept that it will be a lonely and solitary existence. 

No, I won’t accept that. I can’t. It’s not in me to accept that as fate. There must be people out there that care. The world cannot be this dark. It simply cannot be devoid of hope. I see it at work. There are people that actually like me. It’s not in my head.

Take a look around. The proof is in the solitary existence. 

Tomorrow I’m not staying in this apartment. I’ll go to the diner, maybe even an AA meeting later in the day. Things will look better in the sunlight.

Go ahead and believe what you want or need to believe. The truth will be staring you in the face in the end. 

a dream defunct

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The idiot man who is your colleague means no harm in his intrusion of your personal space. He shoves his head in front of yours while he’s standing beside you. He’s stupidly trying to be funny. But he takes you by surprise, and your body starts shaking, and your head starts racing, and you’re off and gone.

You’re trying to find your way back, but the world is a blur. Desperately, you want to convince yourself that nothing scary is happening now. You tell yourself that right now you are okay. Nothing is awry. You just have a stupid colleague, that is all.

But the message is not delivered from your brain to the rest of your body. Your body rebels against your brain. It fights back, and insists that your brain is wrong. Body insists on never being wrong again. Brain has no chance in this fight.

Somehow, you get home. There’s a part of you that’s hungry, and there’s a part of you that just wants to die or sleep or both. You decide that if you’re going to continue with this life you need to eat something. The walk from your bedroom to your kitchen feels Herculean. You live in 860 square feet. The kitchen is seconds away from your bedroom, but it might as well be in another county.

You stumble your way into the kitchen, and you find baked bbq chips with a December 2013 expiration date. You then find slices of Gouda cheese. Great, a carb and a protein! A balanced meal will have to come another day. The chips are used as if they are crackers with the cheese. It would all be amusing if it weren’t for the fact that this is truly all you could muster for dinner. No lie.

You used to dream of a day when this madness would end.You used to think it was a dream deferred for another day. But, no. It is a dream defunct.

Just a mess, for no big reason

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I’ve hit one of the most difficult writing blocks I’ve ever encountered. I’m sure that it is directly related to the fact that I am struggling internally. Externally, I’m able to somewhat keep it together. That’s an improvement from the past. I’m able to perform at work, and I’m more able to cook for myself more so than in the past. But, truthfully, I alternate between feelings of despair, anxiety, and fear. The reasons are varied, but I think the overall theme for me is that I am tired of trying. And I haven’t blogged because I don’t like writing from such a negative place. I always try to come from things with a perspective of hope, even when I’m having a difficult time with something. But, lately, there’s been little hope and positivity within me.

At work there’s been discussion regarding suicidal ideation in employees. I sit on an Employee Assistance Program committee, and it feels a bit hypocritical to be part of such a group when I fight tooth and nail to keep myself on this earth. I’ve become more aware of the feeling of walking around with secrets galore between the DID, the PTSD, the depression …

Know that I do think of you guys, and I miss you. But I don’t feel right sharing when I have little hope or positivity to offer.Perhaps, in spite of my negativity in this post, it’s a hopeful sign that I’ve found it within myself to even write this post. One can hope.