None of this really happened

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There are moments where I let my brain play a certain game, and I call it, “None Of This Really Happened.” I start to try to convince myself that all of the dissociation, PTSD, depression is all in my head. My head made it all up. I have an active imagination, so let’s just move on. Let’s call up the entire family, and have a reunion.

Then I will erase all traces of DID and PTSD from my mind and body. All will be well, and I can resume a normal life again.

I want to call up all the people that have ever been scared off from my life because of the chaos of PTSD and DID, and I want to tell them such chaos will never happen again. We can go back to a normal friendship.

The almost-boyfriends and former boyfriends that fled from me with legitimate concern and worry, I want to tell them that the madness is behind us. I’m a “normal” person now that is fit for a relationship.

I want to say to everyone that I am sorry for my freakdom, and it will never happen again.

I wish it could be this simple, as simple as an over active imagination.

Sabrina discovers purple nail polish

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Sabrina can be my toughest challenge some days. Since discovering Sabrina I’ve assessed that she is very likely the one who facilitated previous situations that were not safe. I really think she’s one with the sex addiction. When I first discovered her I wanted nothing to do with her. Doc convinced me that I needed find some ground with Sabrina, and not be at odds with her, especially since she may likely hold terrible memories of a sexual nature. He pointed out that my silent treatment of Sabrina was not serving me well as we were working against each other.

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, and I really started to think about the healthy things that Sabrina likes because she isn’t just about a lot of sex and a lot of drinking. She likes working out, nice clothes, and she enjoys looking good, whether it’s putting on makeup or fixing our hair. So, I booked a manicure for us, but mainly for Sabrina’s enjoyment. She loved it. Surprisingly, purple nail polish was chosen!

purple

Shortly after that I bought us some nice make-up, and we’ve been having fun with that. But I can sense that Sabrina likes that I’m thinking of her. Ultimately, I’m trying to guide her to healthier desires like hair and make-up, and working out instead of casual sex and drinking.

I know this all sounds bizarre, but I’m just making up what to do as I go along. There is no map. You just have to feel your way through DID. I know of no other way to do it.

More than this …

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More than this …

a litany of memory gaps,

a fuzzy and foggy world, and

selves that work against each other.

I am more than this – I think, I believe …

I want it to be so, more than the sum of the parts of my selves.

But want can only go so far, what do you do when all you have is want?

One hardly has a map or plan.

It’s a prayer, some faith, and a Hail Mary throw or two.

It’s all we have, and so we’ll take it and run and run and run.