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Hi all,

Clearly I’ve been absent for a long while. I had a hard stretch there during the holidays. I spent the holidays with my sister, and it was nice being with family that does not freak me out. But there were times when I was switchy and basically tweaking out. I worked very hard to keep things under wraps at my sister’s house because I desperately did not want to scare the kids. I think I pulled it off, but it was exhausting.

Once I returned from my vacation I felt incredibly sad returning to my apartment by myself. The contrast of having been with a family for days on end just multiplied my feelings of loneliness.

The depression quickly settled in and set up camp. It was a different kind of depression in that there was no crying or freaking out, just an immense wish to not be here, a vacuum of loneliness.

Trying to keep going, one foot in front of the other.

I must give a special shout out to Joe, a fellow blogger, for helping to pull me out of the junk heap. He didn’t give up on me. Thanks, Joe. We should all have such good friends.

The eternal fight

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Cat on a Ledge | 255/365

 

You want something better for yourself, a better life, for starters. But triggers, memories and flashbacks bring you falling down time and again. You get up , and fall down, ad nauseam.

How long can this go on? Ad nauseam? You don’t want to conceive of that possibility.

You want to remain employable, be a better friend, get a dog. You have a job, but you always fear being found out as truly belonging in the loony bin, and you know you need to work on being a better friend. And so many things have to happen before you can get a dog. It all seems so out of your league, so meant for others, but not for you.

On good days you reach and reach and reach into the depths of your soul, and yank out the oomph you need to keep you going, keep you from falling off the edge.

On bad days you stare at the edge of ledge and wonder …

No matter what, keep going

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That’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been keeping up the good fight, regardless of how I’ve felt. Also, I am very grateful to everyone that has left such supportive comments, and has been patient with me, and my dreary self these past several days.

It’s bad for me not to post regularly, as I’m absolutely stuck on what to write, what to say. I can start with what’s new in my world. I went on a date last night. I know that may sound a bit mad, as I’ve not been in the best state of mind lately.

It was one of those accidental things. I logged on to my match.com account out of curiosity. I had not been on the site in a couple of months. I saw that I had an email from a guy with whom I have a number of things in common with, a rarity! I’m rarely this interested in a person, but I emailed him back right away. Thankfully, he had only emailed me two days prior.

So, I checked in with all the parts if they thought this was a good idea. Someone had a mild objection. I’m not sure who, but we worked through it. I promised that if it seemed even remotely iffy we would be out of there.

Strangely, but wonderfully, I did not start to shake during the date. We just went for tea, but you never know what will start me shaking. He was very much a gentleman, and all the parts approved of him. Everyone was well behaved, so this bodes well for him.

Somehow I let it slip that I blog. He then asked me what I blog about, and I realized that I was stuck, as I was not going to lie. I said that I blog about my PTSD, and I said that I wasn’t sure if that was too much information. His face then softened, and he said that he understood better than I knew, that 9/11 is very hard for him every year. He then looked at me, and said that if he ever does anything to trigger me to please tell him, and that not to worry as it’s not too much information.

It’s promising, and I do like him. But I’m cautious, as I know he does not have anything close to even half the picture of me. I’m not even sure if I should be dating. Though I do know that I’m comfortable around him, and that does not come easily for me. We shall see.