Tag Archives: depression

Keep on chugging

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5

I want to stop feeling the way I feel. It is not fruitful, nor is it productive.

All day today I felt low and dissociative. I did the whole “opposite to action” thing that they teach you in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Oh, and pardon the commentary, but a lot of the time DBT annoys me, just saying …

I painted. I went to one of those pottery painting places that are mostly patronized by kids and moms. Here’s, the flower bank I chose to paint, mostly because it didn’t have any detail painting.

Then I went to a movie, a dark comedy called “Bernie” that reminded me why I left Texas in the first place. After that I went for a walk and listened to the “Hairspray” soundtrack while walking. “You Can’t Stop the Beat” and “Good Morning Baltimore” are usually my feel-good songs, guess not today. But, I suppose I don’t feel worse.

Oh yeah, I even bought some hot rollers! Apparently, I’ll try anything to feel better. We’ll see how those work out tomorrow.

The feeling of despair needs to go away. It scares me that I struggle to find reasons to continue every day. The dark thoughts in my brain make me very tired, and I am tired from working against them today.

Nibbling at the edges

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13

Nibbles with Nut

Many times I think PTSD is this thing where we have to nibble at the edges. It’s not something that we can stamp out with a hammer. Otherwise, we would have done so already.

I often forget that I am a person that is worthy of people. I get stuck in that little girl place in my mind when my mother wouldn’t let me have people over to the house, or wouldn’t let me go to a friend’s house. It was all so weird, and I didn’t understand what the issue was for her. I just got the message that I was not supposed to have friends. She seemed happier when I didn’t socialize.

I need to get rid of that message that was embedded in my brain by her actions because it is not serving me well. Today I almost declined spending time with a friend for no good reason, other than the fact that I’ve grown so used to being alone. And I am very glad that I fought against that message in my head that I am not good enough. As soon as I woke up this morning, there it was, telling me that I’m not good enough, and that I shouldn’t be on this earth. Every single morning I have to fight this thought I have first thing upon waking. Some days I give a better fight than others.

Today I initially laid in my bed, and found myself feeling floaty, and depressive. Finally, after 30 minutes of that I launched myself out of bed, and decided that, yes, I was going to go see my friend Ron. It would be good for me.

As I drove to Ron’s house I started to feel better, and by the time I arrived I knew I made the right decision.

Today I nibbled at the edges.

Photo credit: yuan2003

Could I be afraid of happiness?

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5

Happiness

The thought occurred to me when I noticed I felt happy, and upon noticing it I felt nervous, like I was dropping my guard, making myself unready for the next disaster.

But how ready am I for disaster if I am always on the lookout for danger or disaster? It’s no way to live. I know this, but how do I change this?

I certainly want peace and happiness. Perhaps a preliminary step is awareness of my tendency to sabotage happiness.

My brain is not my friend today.

(Photo credit: firexbrat)