I want to stop feeling the way I feel. It is not fruitful, nor is it productive.
All day today I felt low and dissociative. I did the whole “opposite to action” thing that they teach you in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Oh, and pardon the commentary, but a lot of the time DBT annoys me, just saying …
I painted. I went to one of those pottery painting places that are mostly patronized by kids and moms. Here’s, the flower bank I chose to paint, mostly because it didn’t have any detail painting.
Then I went to a movie, a dark comedy called “Bernie” that reminded me why I left Texas in the first place. After that I went for a walk and listened to the “Hairspray” soundtrack while walking. “You Can’t Stop the Beat” and “Good Morning Baltimore” are usually my feel-good songs, guess not today. But, I suppose I don’t feel worse.
Oh yeah, I even bought some hot rollers! Apparently, I’ll try anything to feel better. We’ll see how those work out tomorrow.
The feeling of despair needs to go away. It scares me that I struggle to find reasons to continue every day. The dark thoughts in my brain make me very tired, and I am tired from working against them today.
I’ve been where you are, it gets exhausting. Hang in there.
I hope your feelings and dark thoughts go away soon. They are extremely taxing the longer they last. Here is a virtual “hug” for you. Kat 🙂
Stay strong. The despair is a hard battle to have to fight, on top of everything else. I was in that place a couple weeks ago, I sunk so deep into the depression. It’ll get better, just hold on.
You made some great choices for yourself today – that is amazing. I hope tomorrow feels better for you. I know exercise is the last thing I wanted to do when I was at my lowest point (I wanted to punch the doctor who told me to just walk a mile a day and I’d feel better), but I swear it always helped when I did.
I think it was the future projection of ongoing hopelessness that was the toughest, most exhausting part of major depression for me; the fear that I’d always feel bad. Sending you support tonight as you move forward…keep hope alive.