I want to stop feeling the way I feel. It is not fruitful, nor is it productive.
All day today I felt low and dissociative. I did the whole “opposite to action” thing that they teach you in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Oh, and pardon the commentary, but a lot of the time DBT annoys me, just saying …
I painted. I went to one of those pottery painting places that are mostly patronized by kids and moms. Here’s, the flower bank I chose to paint, mostly because it didn’t have any detail painting.
Then I went to a movie, a dark comedy called “Bernie” that reminded me why I left Texas in the first place. After that I went for a walk and listened to the “Hairspray” soundtrack while walking. “You Can’t Stop the Beat” and “Good Morning Baltimore” are usually my feel-good songs, guess not today. But, I suppose I don’t feel worse.
Oh yeah, I even bought some hot rollers! Apparently, I’ll try anything to feel better. We’ll see how those work out tomorrow.
The feeling of despair needs to go away. It scares me that I struggle to find reasons to continue every day. The dark thoughts in my brain make me very tired, and I am tired from working against them today.