Out of touch

I’ve been out of touch on here, just completely checked out. I’ve not blogged in at least two days. I think that’s a record for me, albeit not a good one.

I’ve had a lot on my mind.

  • There’s the suicidal ideation that I’m batting away like a mosquito.
  • I’m still trying to wrap my head around these “other parts of me.” Now that I know they are there I want to throttle them, quite frankly.
  • When I did acknowledge these “other parts” I realized that at least one part did not want me blogging these past few days, so I didn’t. I think they were happier with the rest from blogging. (Admittedly, I feel a bit off even admitting these things.)
  • I had to go to a work party today that had me feeling all sorts of wonky loca wiggy. I admitted to a colleague/friend that I took a Xanax just to get through the party. Her reaction was: “For this!?” Well, yes, given the sheer amount of people, 400+!, the alcohol and the loud music, yeah, it was a bit of a test for me. I was afraid of wigging out right there in the middle of the party.
  • Trying, trying, trying to fight the feeling of not wanting to be on this earth. I do small things, like start reading a number of books at the same time. Then I tell myself that I can’t be gone because I don’t know how they all end. I know, weird, but strangely effective.

That’s pretty much it, just trying to keep one foot in front of the other, day by day.

21 thoughts on “Out of touch

  1. So sorry you are suffering, I have felt suicidal in my life and it was to escape the pain of my brothers death. I believe it’s an escape hatch you are after an end to all this suffering. Your mission now is to find one, an escape hatch into the rest of your life…life is wonderful in so many ways. Pls seek help if you feel you might take action.

  2. I’m so sorry for your pain. You’ve been on my mind and in my prayers – I’m so glad you are writing…you have a brilliant, sophisticated spirit and you found a way to survive. Now you are entering the phase of moving past being a victim into the phase of more healing and freedom. Please give great care and love to the part of you that feels suicidal. If we can commit to bring love and acceptance to every part of ourselves as survivors, we will most past the hellish abuse into spiritual freedom and understanding. You are ready for this next step – just take it one step at a time and never give up hope! We all stand with you and support your journey. Let us know how we can help you. Big hug and sending lots of love to you.

  3. When I discovered other parts of myself, it was also very very difficult. I’ve found it gets better if I can accept the parts and try to help them. Hard to do when you wish they’d disappear. But I’ve found they do have strengths to offer, as well as pain, so it’s actually turned out to be a good thing knowing about them. I’d say I’m overall less depressed than I was before I was aware.

    I personally take a xanax before parties with only five people attending, so I think you’re doing awfully well to manage the large do any way possible.
    take care

  4. I remember when I first learned of my “parts.” It seemed that when I became aware of them, they all started talking to me at once. My wanting to end my life was so that I could get them to shut up. I told a friend of mine about it who had been in trauma treatment with me. I asked her what she did, and she said she talked to them. It was such a simple idea! So I communicated with them by writing in my journal “our conversations.” The very first thing I told them was that I was willing to listen to their “stories”, but there was just one of me and all of them. So they would have to take turns. Believe it or not, they quieted down. As time rocked on, whenever my anxiety would get
    worse
    andI Would start to lose reality, it was because a “part” was trying to tell me something and I was ignoring her. My life became managebul over time

    • You have such great ideas! My psychiatrist suggested the very same thing, to keep a journal of all these “parts.” AND he tells me the very same thing you just wrote here, that when I start shaking he believes that one of my parts is not happy about something. I do think he’s probably right, but it still freaks me out. He has the same predictions about manageability coming when all the parts feel like they are being listened to by me. It was kind of cool reading your comment, and seeing that it was similar to what Doc has been telling me.

  5. I’m sorry that you are in so much pain and struggling with suicide ideation. I’ve been there, done that. Some days felt like black holes. What kept me going was my unfinished novel. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else finishing it when I was the only one who knew how it ended. But I didn’t feel like writing on it for a very long time. Another thing that kept me alive was not having a will. I didn’t want certain members of my family to have access to my writing or to possess it. I couldn’t trust them. So, without a will specifically laying out my wishes in a legally binding way, I could not die. Suicide is an option, but it is not the BEST option, especially if you want to be around to see how things turn out. I wish you all the best and be gentle with yourself. (And I’d have taken Xanax too for a party of 400+ people!)

  6. I understand how you probably feel. It gets really hard to keep going on, some days. Sometimes taking it a day at a time is the best you can do.

    I enjoy reading your blog. I hope you’ll keep it up.

  7. You have been hit with a so much in the last few days. I am very relieved to see – scanning up above – that even though you are so low you can keep chugging along and don’t actually have a suicide plan in place. You can get a handle on this . It will just take time.

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