I’ve been out of touch on here, just completely checked out. I’ve not blogged in at least two days. I think that’s a record for me, albeit not a good one.
I’ve had a lot on my mind.
- There’s the suicidal ideation that I’m batting away like a mosquito.
- I’m still trying to wrap my head around these “other parts of me.” Now that I know they are there I want to throttle them, quite frankly.
- When I did acknowledge these “other parts” I realized that at least one part did not want me blogging these past few days, so I didn’t. I think they were happier with the rest from blogging. (Admittedly, I feel a bit off even admitting these things.)
- I had to go to a work party today that had me feeling all sorts of wonky loca wiggy. I admitted to a colleague/friend that I took a Xanax just to get through the party. Her reaction was: “For this!?” Well, yes, given the sheer amount of people, 400+!, the alcohol and the loud music, yeah, it was a bit of a test for me. I was afraid of wigging out right there in the middle of the party.
- Trying, trying, trying to fight the feeling of not wanting to be on this earth. I do small things, like start reading a number of books at the same time. Then I tell myself that I can’t be gone because I don’t know how they all end. I know, weird, but strangely effective.
That’s pretty much it, just trying to keep one foot in front of the other, day by day.