Tag Archives: dissociation

Another example …

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… of why it is hard for me to post … The emptiness persists, and I don’t like writing depressing blog posts. It feels counter productive to do so, yet here I am doing just that very thing.

Ever since the ordeal with my ex-husband, Letty has largely been in hiding. She’s emerged a few times here and there. But, she has not been the constant companion she was with me for so long prior to this event. Now Little Ronnie is my constant companion. She does ask about Letty. I don’t really have any concrete answers for her, as I also miss Letty.

I’m back in that robotic depressive state that is really just a nasty hamster wheel that you can’t get off for the life of you. I don’t want to be in this place for the rest of my life. Something needs to change. I want things to change, but as soon as I reach for that “change button” it seems like it’s yanked further away out of my reach. How is it that something you want so badly is out of your reach? It scares me that the answer may be I don’t want it badly enough. I believe I do. I feel that I do. But how does one really know these things? One can’t. You just have to chug on as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s likely dark forever.

Just going to admit …

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… that I’ve tried numerous times to post. I’ve tried to write, and I come up empty. Empty, empty, empty. This is why you’ve not seen me on here. But I want to write. Alas, it won’t come. But today I decided, no matter what, I would spew some writing out. So, here it is, such as it is. 

Honestly, I think I’m still grappling with dissociative identity disorder diagnosis. Then there was the whole debacle with my ex-husband. Oh yeah, I am empty. 

So there it is. I’m empty. I feel like I have nothing to share, but I miss you guys. So here I am. Empty with nothing to offer, but trying to be back. All I can offer is my presence. 

Good news/Bad news

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Friday was a crazy day. I had to try to convince an employee to __________. In the unlikely, but still possible, event that someone can guess where I work, or even the specific situation I had before me, I will stay on the side of caution.

Anyhow, I was not able to convince this particular employee to _________. It happens. We’re HR professionals, not magicians.

I had to give the Division Director where this employee works the bad news, and he was not happy about it. He got this pouty boy face, and he looked like a little boy having a tantrum. I kept saying to him, “Let’s go talk to Jane Doe (our HR Director).” I kept telling him that I wanted to help him fix the situation. He was not responding to me, so I just left him in the middle of the HR area while I left to talk to Jane.

Later, after everything calmed down, people said that I handled the Division Director very well. People also mentioned that he was yelling, and I just don’t remember that. But more than one person mentioned that to me. I wish I could recall more of the situation. I hate that I don’t remember all of it. Heck, I didn’t even know that I didn’t remember all of it.

I felt wired the rest of the day, and I could tell I was jacked up on adrenalin, another clue that something happened. I got home, and went to bed early, and even slept in late. Those are signs that I was triggered, and likely dissociative on Friday.

Feels like a case of good news/bad news.