Tag Archives: dissociation

A strange blessing in alarming news …

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In the throes of suicidal ideation I received a phone call from my bank’s risk management unit. Apparently, my debit card number was stolen, and suspicious charges were made in another part of the country that I have never set foot in my entire life. The charges were flagged as suspicious, and when I confirmed that they were not my charges they shut down my account. Sooo … I have to wait until tomorrow to get access to my account again.

In the mean time, I will be going to the grocery store with a credit card. It feels weird to charge groceries. But, I am thankful that it was caught in time, and that my funds are now safe.

I don’t know if it’s in bad taste to point this out, but the whole whoo-ha around this thing sprung me back to life. It’s kind of like I came back to life. When I get that feeling of wanting to die it often feels like it’s not me, especially with the cacophony of voices in my head that tries to compel me to do awful things to myself.

It is so freaking weird how I feel like myself again. Geesh! Is it a blessing my debit card number was compromised?

I have a splitting headache, the kind that I recognize that’s associated with switches. Time to make a green smoothie.

I really don’t appreciate this DID thing …

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I know, I’ve heard it from Doc already. The dissociation helped me cope with traumatic events in my childhood. Yes, I know this, but I still do not like this knowledge that I now possess. I’m not saying it’s better not to know. I would always rather know the truth. I’m just struggling with the reality of DID.

I find myself even more fearful of social situations because I don’t want to inadvertently switch. I know this can happen because it has happened to me in the past now that I’ve been able to go back in time and connect the dots in my chaotic life.

There is this wish and desire to be fully functional and really living life. But I am tired, very tired from all the detours, diagnoses, and setbacks.

Dear God, help me find a way to functionality. I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life.

Letty is very mad

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This is Letty. I am very scared. The lady at work knows the secret. She knows and I don’t like it. The lady guessed it. And Beatriz can’t lie. She needed to lie. I was telling her DON’T SAY IT. But she did say it to the lady.

Then I wanted to get under the desk and Beatriz said no because we were at work. Then I wanted us to leave and Beatriz said no because work wasn’t over. When Beatriz started shaking in the ladys office the lady said to her, “you should work out such announcements with your people. I think some are not happy!”

I wanted to say Yeah! when she said this but Beatriz was keeping me from talking. I was happy when the lady started talking about work again. Oh I am mad mad mad. I can’t be a good Lookout if people know!