Tag Archives: dissociation

Undone

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It’s been an exhausting week. Today was the first day this week where I felt stable and able to function. I was productive at work until I talked to Dan on the phone today. I asked him if I could make Christmas candy at his house next weekend. He said he did not mind having me come over to make candy, but he said that he wanted me to “make an effort in spending more time by myself at home.” He felt I needed to improve with my ability to be by myself at home.

I just started crying, and I switched. I know I switched because I started crying and talking like a child. I feel dumb in that I don’t know who I switched into. Doc is always asking, “Who’s this?” And I’m like, ” I dunno.” Really. I often don’t know. He seems puzzled when I say that. Trust me, the whole thing puzzles me as well.

Anyhow, Dan took it in stride that I switched. It was obvious to both of us that it happened. I appreciated that he just asked me if I needed anything, and he apologized for triggering me. He said he wasn’t trying to keep me away from spending time with him, that he was trying to help me. I believe him. He really sounded sorry on the phone, and I felt bad.

I feel completely undone.

Letty feels better

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Hi everyone

It’s Letty. I am better now. I texted Dan when I was feeling sad. He was Beatriz’s boyfriend a long time ago. I liked that he did not get scared that I was talking to him. He was nice to me.

Beatriz went to our favorite market today for groceries. It made us feel better. We got chocolates and gummy bears and roast chicken. I liked that Beatriz let me smell the gummy bears when we were putting them in the bag. I like that store a lot.

I ate too many gummy bears. Oops.

Bye

Letty

PTSD: We have better things to do

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Though there was less freaking out externally today, internally we still had a full program. There was the moment I wanted to get under my desk. That is nothing new, and nothing at work was causing that feeling. I have that desire come up from time to time, and I just talk myself out of it, especially at work.

AND then there was the moment when I was helping my colleague proof read his disciplinary charges against an employee. In this instance it was a fight that occurred in the workplace. When you charge someone with discipline for this kind of infraction you have to be very careful how you write the charges. I asked my colleague questions about some of what was written regarding how the fight happened. I didn’t quite understand some of what was written, so he asked if could demonstrate on me. I said sure because I knew the essence of the fight, and I knew he just wanted to show me in slow motion what he was conveying in the charges.

This demonstration lasted less than 5 seconds. He basically had one hand on my arm, and the other hand on my opposite shoulder for a very brief moment of time. It was all on the up and up, and it did help understand what he wrote.

Unfortunately, I felt nauseous, and I could tell my teeth wanted to chatter. It vexes me because this person is a fine person whom I trust and respect very much. I understand having these feelings around people who make me nervous, or people I don’t care for, but this was not the case.

This is why I completely and utterly hate you PTSD. I absolutely deplore you because you are inherently unfair. You invariably make your appearance during situations that are otherwise fine. Just go away, and stop with all the drama and fits. I would like to move on with my life, and, most of all, I would like to freak out only when things that warrant freaking out are really happening. Stop the mind games please. We all know you can outlast, now move on. I have better things to do.