It’s been an exhausting week. Today was the first day this week where I felt stable and able to function. I was productive at work until I talked to Dan on the phone today. I asked him if I could make Christmas candy at his house next weekend. He said he did not mind having me come over to make candy, but he said that he wanted me to “make an effort in spending more time by myself at home.” He felt I needed to improve with my ability to be by myself at home.
I just started crying, and I switched. I know I switched because I started crying and talking like a child. I feel dumb in that I don’t know who I switched into. Doc is always asking, “Who’s this?” And I’m like, ” I dunno.” Really. I often don’t know. He seems puzzled when I say that. Trust me, the whole thing puzzles me as well.
Anyhow, Dan took it in stride that I switched. It was obvious to both of us that it happened. I appreciated that he just asked me if I needed anything, and he apologized for triggering me. He said he wasn’t trying to keep me away from spending time with him, that he was trying to help me. I believe him. He really sounded sorry on the phone, and I felt bad.
I feel completely undone.