Tag Archives: mental-health

Not the couch again …

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Last night I may have bit off more than I could chew. My letter to Freddy Bear kicked my ass. I am surprised that this was the hardest piece thus far for me to write. I just started crying in the middle of it. Then I just slept on the couch. The couch is where I sleep when I am not doing well. My couch is very close to my front door, and my hyper vigilance kicked in, which meant that I would be catching zzz’s on that red couch.

Writing that piece broke a dam in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have to get it together because I have two papers due tomorrow in two graduate courses. Bad timing!

I did a whole bunch of things to try to feel better today:

  • I went to my favorite diner for Eggs Benedict,
  • Walked through Petsmart to see dogs,
  • Sat in the Barnes and Noble cafe and read dog magazines, and
  • I ate watermelon for dessert.

Still, though, I think I’m going to be sleeping on the couch again tonight.

Could I be afraid of happiness?

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Happiness

The thought occurred to me when I noticed I felt happy, and upon noticing it I felt nervous, like I was dropping my guard, making myself unready for the next disaster.

But how ready am I for disaster if I am always on the lookout for danger or disaster? It’s no way to live. I know this, but how do I change this?

I certainly want peace and happiness. Perhaps a preliminary step is awareness of my tendency to sabotage happiness.

My brain is not my friend today.

(Photo credit: firexbrat)

breathe, it’s just the doctor …

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I Need a Doctor

You’ve dreaded it all night and all morning, but there’s no more dawdling. You’re there. You know you’re over due for an exam and that you need to be there. The waiting room is torture because prolonging the appointment is painful.

The last time you had such an appointment it was a disaster. The moment you were touched it was over. You were no longer in that exam room. Instead, you were back in that place where you were vulnerable and unsafe and you couldn’t get away. You wanted to get away, and you tried to get away to no avail.

You wound up having to call your therapist in the midst of that last exam so that you could get yourself out of the dissociation. It was the longest appointment you’d ever had, and you didn’t even finish your exam.

But this is today with a different doctor in a different office, and you’re even in a better place now. You like this doctor. Just tell yourself that this is Dr. Stan, not that other person. Dr. Stan is safe.

And, lo, and behold. He either remembers, or took good notes, or both, because he recalls that it’s better for you if he tells you exactly where he’s going to touch you before he touches you. For example, he’ll say, “Now I’m going to touch your stomach.” That was actually the one you dreaded the most. At that point you were calm enough that you even jokingly said, “Aww! Not my favorite! Really?”

Before you knew it the appointment was over, and you were fine. Dr. Stan did say that it was time for you to start thinking about getting a pap smear. You said, “Fine, another day.” But not today because today was a good day.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)