Tag Archives: triggers

Days later, the pain continues …

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I was once asked by a yoga teacher what freedom would look like for me. It was an easy answer. Sleep, restful, nonscary sleep would be such sweet freedom.

And, in this moment, I would also choose to stop shaking. I’ve been shaking off and on all day today. I talked about the Freddy Bear post today in therapy. I still cry when I read it. Out of all of my posts, it’s the only one that makes me cry again and again and again. I had no idea that I even had any pain or loss around Freddy. Up until I wrote about him, if you had asked me about him I would have described him as my youngest brother with whom I am not very close. Period. I would not have thought about it any further than that.

I would like to write further, but this is too hard for me right now, so I’ll sign off for now.

Not the couch again …

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Last night I may have bit off more than I could chew. My letter to Freddy Bear kicked my ass. I am surprised that this was the hardest piece thus far for me to write. I just started crying in the middle of it. Then I just slept on the couch. The couch is where I sleep when I am not doing well. My couch is very close to my front door, and my hyper vigilance kicked in, which meant that I would be catching zzz’s on that red couch.

Writing that piece broke a dam in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have to get it together because I have two papers due tomorrow in two graduate courses. Bad timing!

I did a whole bunch of things to try to feel better today:

  • I went to my favorite diner for Eggs Benedict,
  • Walked through Petsmart to see dogs,
  • Sat in the Barnes and Noble cafe and read dog magazines, and
  • I ate watermelon for dessert.

Still, though, I think I’m going to be sleeping on the couch again tonight.

Try, try again

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Sunday was one of those days where I had to try a lot of things in order to try to not feel shaky and anxious. Waking up at noon after being unable to sleep until after 3 am did not help matters. I finally just got dressed, and went to the nearby coffee shop to write and finish homework. While in the coffee shop my anxious state did not improve.

So, to make things even more challenging I told myself I would go to an AA meeting at 5 pm. I drove to the other side of town for this meeting. But again I got freaky the closer I got to the meeting, so I quickly turned into the Barnes and Noble parking lot, and went in there instead.

Finally, the serenity of the bookstore started to calm me down, and I decided to stay there, and skip the meeting. Then it came to me, I would go home and make Irish meat pies. I went to Ireland in April, and I felt very peaceful there. I thought meat pies would bring back that feeling of serenity.

So I made meat pies, as you can see. They turned out okay, could be tastier. But, the cooking smells and the activity got me out of my head, and I started feeling better. Yay!

Today I kept up the activity in the kitchen, and I made watermelon aguas frescas, which is basically watermelon, ice, lime, and sugar blended together. It’s a favorite drink from a childhood near the Mexican border.

I know this post may make no sense … PTSD and food? But, I’ve learned that, if I am able, sometimes I just have to keep trying different things until I feel better. There are times when I am so triggered that doing anything in the kitchen is out of the question. I can’t tell you how many cartons of buttermilk I’ve thrown out with the intentions of making muffins, but then getting so triggered I never got to making them, and then the buttermilk went bad.

Yesterday turned around, and today was not bad. Sometimes trying enough things until something works will change things for the better. It’s not a guarantee, but I’ve never felt worse by trying different things.