Monthly Archives: April 2013

24 hours later life feels less daunting …

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There is no explanation for this. I woke up this morning, and I was able to get out of bed without feeling glued to it. I don’t think I did anything differently to make this happen. I think was able to fall asleep easier because I went on a two mile walk. Today I went on a 3 mile walk, and I’m even better for it. The weather was great, and it didn’t trigger me. What a beautiful thing!

I was going to do some work I brought home, but I decided not to because it’s been such a good day, and I want to enjoy it through and through. Such good days are rare, and I decided to just enjoy it to the very end, and so I did.

It’s so odd to me that today was so different because my life is still the same as it was yesterday. I’m still largely alone, and lonely. I’m still dissociative and over weight and in an apartment that is not as put-away as I would like it to be. All these things are still status quo, but the different thing was my brain today. Today my brain was my friend, and didn’t freak or want the world to end, or some other thing that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Today was a good day. If only I could bottle it for the bad days.

Trying to keep going ….

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… but it is like trying to easily get gum out of your hair.

Right now, I am stuck in a car in a parking lot. Just stuck, frozen with undefined malaise and despair. Trying to convince myself that my life is not over, that there are reasons to keep trying.

All day I’ve had that feeling of impending doom. I think it’s the warmer weather. I oddly get triggered in warmer weather, yes, it’s vexing to be that way.

The floaties are coming, and that’s not good either. How, oh how, do we turn this hot mess around that is us?

An assignment I don’t want

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I saw Doc yesterday, and we made some discoveries. For a couple of months I’ve been aware of Belle, another alter. I am scared of Belle. She wants to die ALL the time. I spend a great deal of my time and energy fighting her despair and wish to die. Doc’s theory is that Belle holds all the despair and depression from childhood. She holds that for all the rest of us so that we did not have to endure it. He asked me to get a journal just for Belle. I finally did that tonight, and I am afraid to write in it as Belle. I think Belle also experienced hunger for all of us. There were times that I was truly hungry as a child, too painful to even write about right now.

The new journal lies within my tote bag, and I fear even touching it because touching it would mean I would need to take the next step and open it to write.

One of my friends posted the video from lifevestinside.com below to Facebook. It’s actually a happy video, but it made me cry, specifically at 3:11 in the video. That’s when a man gives another man a hot dog and water, and in that moment, I felt myself tear up. I know I teared up because I know what it’s like to be hungry, and I know that look when you bite into something after being hungry for so long.

And that’s it. I can’t write anymore tonight.

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