Letty had a hard day

I had a hard day. Beatriz was sad all day because we did not make it to church because of me. I did not want to go. I was scared she was gonna yell at me. She said said that she doesn’t like to yell. It’s not how she does things. Then I got sadder because she was still sad. She said we would talk to Doc about it tomorrow.

I thought Beatriz was not going to pay attention to me all day, but we went to Barnes and Noble. She let me have a passion fruit iced tea like I like to have. She also let me read my new Ivy and Bean book that she bought me on her Nook. Then I asked if I could get the next Ivy and Bean book. She said not to PRESS MY LUCK. Okay.

I don’t want her to hate me. I am scared.

She said she does not hate me. She said I need to understand that not all churches are bad. This is a different church from what we knew at home. This is something called UUs. They also say they are free seekers. Beatriz reminded me that this is the same church where I get to help build gingerbread houses next Saturday with other kids my age. Beatriz signed up as a helper so that I could come along. She asked if she should cancel that. I said no I want to make gingerbread houses with other kids. I don’t get to see a lot of kids. She said that since I didn’t want to join then maybe we shouldn’t do church things anymore. But I just didn’t want us to get up in front of the whole church. It scared me. She didn’t cancel the gingerbread house thing. I am glad.

But she is still sad and kind of mad. But I think not as mad.

Letty messed up

Beatriz is not happy with me. We were supposed to go to church today. Beatriz was going to join her church today. I said no. The church is ok. We were going to have to get up in front of the church today. I said no way. I can’t do my job if we are getting up in front of all the people like that.

Beatriz is sad because she wanted to go. But she could not drive because I showed up. I would not go away. She says that these people are nice. Yeah right. I heard that before.

I am sad too. I wish Beatriz was not mad at me. She don’t understand that I have jobs to do.

I think I messed up.

PTSD is damn expensive

I’ve gained my bearings back, for which I m very grateful. It’s a good thing because I’ve received some news that needs my attention. Doc told me that the insurance company will not pay for my neurofeedback sessions. So, if I want to continue them I will have to pay for them out of pocket. FYI everyone, neurofeedback is seen as experimental for PTSD by insurance companies in the United States.

I am not sure that I can afford the extra charge for the neurofeedback sessions, but they have been tremendously helpful to me. I’m considering taking a loan out on my pension to do this. It’s a very reasonable interest rate, but in the back of my mind I was going to take out such a loan as a down payment on a house.

I know I’ve talked about the travails of considering purchasing a home. I’ve done the math, and if I can come up with a down payment it would be cheaper for me to pay a mortgage. But all my medical expenses have precluded me from saving for such a thing. That is why my fallback was a loan against my pension.

Things could be a lot worse for me. I know this. At least I have a pension fund from which I can take a loan. Still though, all of these medical expenses put me further behind where I want to be in my life.

I’m pondering what to do. I’m even considering a second job. The things we do for mental health …