Category Archives: AA

Try, try again

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Sunday was one of those days where I had to try a lot of things in order to try to not feel shaky and anxious. Waking up at noon after being unable to sleep until after 3 am did not help matters. I finally just got dressed, and went to the nearby coffee shop to write and finish homework. While in the coffee shop my anxious state did not improve.

So, to make things even more challenging I told myself I would go to an AA meeting at 5 pm. I drove to the other side of town for this meeting. But again I got freaky the closer I got to the meeting, so I quickly turned into the Barnes and Noble parking lot, and went in there instead.

Finally, the serenity of the bookstore started to calm me down, and I decided to stay there, and skip the meeting. Then it came to me, I would go home and make Irish meat pies. I went to Ireland in April, and I felt very peaceful there. I thought meat pies would bring back that feeling of serenity.

So I made meat pies, as you can see. They turned out okay, could be tastier. But, the cooking smells and the activity got me out of my head, and I started feeling better. Yay!

Today I kept up the activity in the kitchen, and I made watermelon aguas frescas, which is basically watermelon, ice, lime, and sugar blended together. It’s a favorite drink from a childhood near the Mexican border.

I know this post may make no sense … PTSD and food? But, I’ve learned that, if I am able, sometimes I just have to keep trying different things until I feel better. There are times when I am so triggered that doing anything in the kitchen is out of the question. I can’t tell you how many cartons of buttermilk I’ve thrown out with the intentions of making muffins, but then getting so triggered I never got to making them, and then the buttermilk went bad.

Yesterday turned around, and today was not bad. Sometimes trying enough things until something works will change things for the better. It’s not a guarantee, but I’ve never felt worse by trying different things.

just open the door and step right on in …

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The doors of LIFE[Day183]*

This seems like a simple enough concept. You intend on going somewhere, and once you get there you just open the door and step right on in … However, depending on the place, that’s not always how it goes for me.

Almost four years ago I made myself walk into an AA meeting because I knew I had reached the end of my rope. Groups of people can be a trigger for me though, and I never truly felt comfortable there. After nearly four years I still feel sick to my stomach going into a meeting. You would think I would be past this stage by now, but I’m not.

Which brings us to today … Right now I am in a Starbucks very sick to my stomach because I intended to go to an AA conference which is taking place down the street from here. The closer I got to the conference the sicker I felt. Finally I just came in here instead. I decided to bag the whole thing. I feel like a failure over it, but physically I feel better now that I decided that I am not going.

A person may ask why I try so hard to go to AA. Well, I see people in there that are genuinely happy, and I really don’t want to drink again. Basically, I want what they have. Many of them seem peaceful, sober and happy. When I am able to sit through a meeting without leaving I often hear things that resonate with me. But it is often very painful for me to sit through meetings because of my anxiety of being in a group. There are countless times when I drive all the way to a meeting, and then I turn around and drive home because I can’t make myself go inside.

Truthfully, I’ve had some negative experiences in AA. But I don’t attribute my anxiety to that because I felt this way before I even had those experiences, and I know that those experiences were not unique to me. I know that a number of people have had negative things happen in AA. By the same token, I’ve had some positive experiences as well. Just wish that I could get myself in there to experience more of it, positive or not. I’ll never know until I start going again.

But for today I am going to try to stop beating myself up over it. I feel better now, and that’s not a bad thing.

(Photo credit: Chapendra)