Category Archives: therapists

A New Day. A New Home

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I originally stopped blogging regularly because someone came across my blog who knew me, and that was not necessarily a bad thing, until it was. They were quick to figure out it was me blogging. Unfortunately, my mental health challenges were used against me. It was a time of immense struggle, and I worked through it without turning to this blog, which had been a source of connection for me. I say all this for explanation without getting into the details.

This was all years ago, but it’s still hard to come back to this page. Much has happened since then. I got married. Moved out of state. Lived there for a bit over 5 years, and then my wife and I just moved out of that state. The first thing I did before we moved was to get a new therapist. Can’t take your therapist with you unless they are licensed in your new state. The DID therapist I found in my area has a waiting list. So, I went back to reading bio after bio of therapists in my area. You can spend hours doing this, and I did. I had a plane delayed for multiple hours in the airport, and I just kept looking up therapists and reading about them. I used the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute directory, and I also used the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation’s directory. I didn’t find anyone using those sources, though I still recommend using those sites as a starting point. Surprisingly, I found my therapist on the inclusive therapists online directory. Part of my wish list was that they have experience treating someone with DID and that they are local, so that I can have in person sessions. The therapist I chose is in my state, but about 400 miles away. So far, only virtual sessions until I decide to take a trip to see them in person. And they have not ever had a client with DID. But, I feel comfortable with them, and, ultimately, that is the most important thing with a therapist. They can be the most qualified and experienced, but if you’re not comfortable with them, well, the therapeutic relationship is not going to work.

Having a new therapist is like a blank canvas, an unwritten journal. They have no backstory. I am so accustomed to sharing something in therapy without having to provide background. Sometimes it feel exhausting with all the context I have to give to even start to explain why something is a challenge for me. But that’s the process. My new therapist says to trust the process. I am working on that.

The other concern is cost. This is the most I’ve ever paid for a therapist. I recognize that my previous therapist was very generous with the rate she gave me. I knew and know that most therapists will need to charge more. Unfortunately, many therapists these days are not participating providers on health insurance plans. My understanding is that this is because of how therapists are often treated by health care providers, so I understand why so few are participating providers. In all my research, anyone I was considering was not a participating provider on any health plan. That means you have to pay out of pocket, which can be a hardship for many. I can afford it for now. Have no idea if I will be able to afford it long term, but I am taking it one day at a time. For now, I am happy I found a therapist I can work with.

Here’s a to a new day and a new home.

One never knows what comes next

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This southern city is not my cup of tea. It’s no Earl Grey latte, hell, it’s not even a Starbucks hot black tea. Still though, I cannot ignore the fact that I’m getting signs from the universe that I am right where I should be.

I landed a job in my field. Pays abysmally less than I made in my prior job with the same experience. But, I’ve met some great people, and become great friends already with one of my colleagues, another proud member of Rainbow Club*.

With some trepidation, I managed to find a DID therapist. She’s crazy expensive, but I can tell she knows what she’s doing. That job I got is not giving me hassle about working from home one day a week so that I can easily go to my sessions. And I can just feel that I’ve reached a new place in my therapeutic process. My last therapist was incredibly supportive of me, but she had no DID experience. I tried a few times to find a therapist in my last city that had DID experience, and it did not go well for many reasons. I sense that it’s time for a new phase in my process, and I’ve found the right person for it. And I am in the right city with the right job and with the right wife to make it all possible.

And, yet, despite all this, I’m aching to ask my new therapist, “It’s all a mistake right, I don’t have this DID thing after all?” The feeling that it’s all made up, and all for attention just permeates my sense of being at times with no warning. It just pops out like a bad, obnoxious pop-up shop on the street with never ending noise and confusion. Then the feeling goes away like it was never there, until it is again.

*Rainbow Club is my own way of describing those of us that identify as LGBTQIA.

To Every Clinician with PTSD and DID Clients

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This weekend I finally felt the edge of hope for the first time in a long while. Take note, clinicians: it’s not because of medication, a therapeutic approach, or a hospitalization. It seems that the answer all along was incredibly simple: people. I’ve needed to connect with people, in particular, people that understand dissociative identity disorder. Yesterday I met a handful of women with DID, and I’m buoyed beyond words by the experience.

I mentioned my ever constant and present experience of losing time at home, and spending as little time as possible at home because I lose time. I spoke to a woman with the exact same experience. It’s not lost on me that coming out of the isolation with this meant that another person had to have this same experience. I wanted to throw my arms around her as she conveyed her experience to me.

Here’s a note to clinicians that I wish could be delivered to every single one out there: All the talk therapy, theoretical approaches, medications, hospitalizations and case management will do nothing to alleviate the loneliness of mental illness. Group therapy is a regular part of any hospitalization, but once you’re launched back into the real world, group therapy is surprisingly difficult to locate for non-veterans with PTSD or DID. Beyond group therapy, support groups for non-veterans with PTSD or DID are just as difficult to locate as therapy groups. The result is that such individuals find themselves isolated with no peers to connect with. Even the best therapist is no replacement for peer connections. Please do what you can to create therapy groups and support groups for people with PTSD or DID. Many researchers are spinning out trying to find the PTSD cure. Perhaps the answer is not in the cure, but in the connections. Together we can endure a lot if we feel the balm of support. Can the answer be as simple as connections with others? Maybe. This is where we can learn from Alcoholics Anonymous. We all know I’m ambivalent about AA, but they certainly get the people part of contributing to success with continued sobriety. We can’t cure each other of our PTSD or DID, but we can feel less alone in this fight. And some days, that connection may be the very thing we need to get the next day.

The most important thing a clinician can do is seek to create opportunities for peers to connect with each other. Ask your clients if they know anyone else with their mental illness. If you start noticing a trend in that few, if any, of your clients have peer connections start talking with your colleagues. Look for groups. If you come up empty, your clients have likely come up empty as well. Did you know that aftercare from inpatient hospitalization or intensive outpatient treatment always includes a recommendation for group therapy? Most of the time that recommendation is for a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) group, which is different from what I’m recommending. But here’s the rub: outpatient DBT groups are also few and far between outside of major metropolitan areas such as Boston or Washington D.C. Let’s work to create communities of support so that no one with PTSD or DID is ever without the connection of another peer. With all the intellect, resources and energy out there this should be a mission that we can make a reality. It’s not an expensive venture, far from it. Tomorrow I’m going to start to be a pain in the ass on this, and I’m going to start asking every mental health professional I come into contact with if we have such groups. I don’t think we do because I’ve done my own looking in my community, but I feel compelled to turn over every rock. Someone needs to ask “Do we have groups for people with PTSD or DID?” “Why not?” “Has anyone ever tried to create such groups?” “Who would know anything about this?”

If I can be a pain in the ass in my own job with my knack for asking annoying investigative questions, surely I can put that skill to use here.

I implore that we all ask our therapists or our colleagues if such resources exist in our areas. Then we need to ask why, and look to rectify the gap. Humans were meant to connect with other humans. Everyone should feel the edge of hope from the understanding of another peer.