Category Archives: therapy

A New Day. A New Home

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I originally stopped blogging regularly because someone came across my blog who knew me, and that was not necessarily a bad thing, until it was. They were quick to figure out it was me blogging. Unfortunately, my mental health challenges were used against me. It was a time of immense struggle, and I worked through it without turning to this blog, which had been a source of connection for me. I say all this for explanation without getting into the details.

This was all years ago, but it’s still hard to come back to this page. Much has happened since then. I got married. Moved out of state. Lived there for a bit over 5 years, and then my wife and I just moved out of that state. The first thing I did before we moved was to get a new therapist. Can’t take your therapist with you unless they are licensed in your new state. The DID therapist I found in my area has a waiting list. So, I went back to reading bio after bio of therapists in my area. You can spend hours doing this, and I did. I had a plane delayed for multiple hours in the airport, and I just kept looking up therapists and reading about them. I used the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute directory, and I also used the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation’s directory. I didn’t find anyone using those sources, though I still recommend using those sites as a starting point. Surprisingly, I found my therapist on the inclusive therapists online directory. Part of my wish list was that they have experience treating someone with DID and that they are local, so that I can have in person sessions. The therapist I chose is in my state, but about 400 miles away. So far, only virtual sessions until I decide to take a trip to see them in person. And they have not ever had a client with DID. But, I feel comfortable with them, and, ultimately, that is the most important thing with a therapist. They can be the most qualified and experienced, but if you’re not comfortable with them, well, the therapeutic relationship is not going to work.

Having a new therapist is like a blank canvas, an unwritten journal. They have no backstory. I am so accustomed to sharing something in therapy without having to provide background. Sometimes it feel exhausting with all the context I have to give to even start to explain why something is a challenge for me. But that’s the process. My new therapist says to trust the process. I am working on that.

The other concern is cost. This is the most I’ve ever paid for a therapist. I recognize that my previous therapist was very generous with the rate she gave me. I knew and know that most therapists will need to charge more. Unfortunately, many therapists these days are not participating providers on health insurance plans. My understanding is that this is because of how therapists are often treated by health care providers, so I understand why so few are participating providers. In all my research, anyone I was considering was not a participating provider on any health plan. That means you have to pay out of pocket, which can be a hardship for many. I can afford it for now. Have no idea if I will be able to afford it long term, but I am taking it one day at a time. For now, I am happy I found a therapist I can work with.

Here’s a to a new day and a new home.

Learning to Listen

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I started attending a group for people with dissociative identity disorder back in June of this year. It was quite a process just to get into it. There was an intake, an extensive intake, of which I was quite resistant with many of the questions. I was asked the ages of my parents and whether they were deceased, to which I answered, “No idea.” When asked to describe my relationship with each parent I said, “Terrible, and don’t care to elaborate today.” There were 16 possible boxes to check under the Family Psychiatric History section. I checked 12 out of the 16 boxes. I was asked to elaborate on all the boxes I checked, and I replied, “Don’t care to do so today.”

The intake form, 3/4 of the way through asked me to talk about my strengths, and I answered by stating, “Not robotically answering questions on an intake form.”

It’s a small wonder I was allowed into this group. I think it may have helped that one of the facilitators was not meeting me for the first time.

We will meet for something like 36 weeks, and we are 8-10 sessions in (I’ve not kept track of the exact number). It’s become one of those things that I look forward to every week, and, at the same time, I don’t want to turn my check in because it’s a lot of money that is not covered by insurance. I know it’s rare to have such a group for DID folks, and I am grateful and always do math in my head each week when I turn in my payment.

It’s hard to run away from this condition when you’re talking about the challenges with having parts every week. Sometimes I feel myself start to slip away during the group, but I can see I’m not alone with the struggle. I’ve known before I started the group that it’s important to listen to my parts, and have consistent communication and collaboration. I’ve learned that one can know that, yet not do it any consistent manner. I’ve found myself in the place where it’s easy to listen to the part or parts that are usually near the front. Those voices at the back get drowned out, and they start to come out sideways because when a part is not heard that is when I start to feel off. But, I don’t usually think to inquire or listen to see if a part needs something when I start to struggle.

I bought a notebook for my homework in the group. I found that parts also liked just writing in the notebook. However, I quickly learned there was conflict among parts as to where each part could write. Now everyone has their own tab and area within the notebook to write. All parts seem to be content with this solution. It surprises me that I still find content I don’t recall writing, but now with the tabs I know who’s writing! I always appreciate clues. Should have implemented this solution years ago.

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One never knows what comes next

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This southern city is not my cup of tea. It’s no Earl Grey latte, hell, it’s not even a Starbucks hot black tea. Still though, I cannot ignore the fact that I’m getting signs from the universe that I am right where I should be.

I landed a job in my field. Pays abysmally less than I made in my prior job with the same experience. But, I’ve met some great people, and become great friends already with one of my colleagues, another proud member of Rainbow Club*.

With some trepidation, I managed to find a DID therapist. She’s crazy expensive, but I can tell she knows what she’s doing. That job I got is not giving me hassle about working from home one day a week so that I can easily go to my sessions. And I can just feel that I’ve reached a new place in my therapeutic process. My last therapist was incredibly supportive of me, but she had no DID experience. I tried a few times to find a therapist in my last city that had DID experience, and it did not go well for many reasons. I sense that it’s time for a new phase in my process, and I’ve found the right person for it. And I am in the right city with the right job and with the right wife to make it all possible.

And, yet, despite all this, I’m aching to ask my new therapist, “It’s all a mistake right, I don’t have this DID thing after all?” The feeling that it’s all made up, and all for attention just permeates my sense of being at times with no warning. It just pops out like a bad, obnoxious pop-up shop on the street with never ending noise and confusion. Then the feeling goes away like it was never there, until it is again.

*Rainbow Club is my own way of describing those of us that identify as LGBTQIA.