Category Archives: triggers

Still nibbling …

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12

As usual, I woke up from a night of nightmares. I did not sleep well last night, and had to take a long nap from 11:00 – 2:00 today. Then, even during that nap, I nightmared again!

I took a shower to try to shake the dissociation, and then took myself out to eat a late lunch/early dinner. I didn’t know what to call the meal, just knew I was in need of one.

By the time I finished eating I realized that I could actually make the Sunday AA women’s meeting that I attended last Sunday. Without giving it another thought I drove there, and this time I rushed right in instead of hiding out in the bathroom.

As I listened during the sharing part of the meeting, some folks started talking about topics that were triggering to me. However, I was able to remain grounded. I refused to give in to the dissociation that was coming over me. Oddly, a number of people were talking about difficult mothers, a topic which many of you know has been on my mind lately. Then, one woman talked about her daughter in a way that my mother would likely talk about me. I felt myself get floaty, but I told myself that this was her experience, not mine, and I did not have to internalize it.

Again, I did not speak at the meeting as I was often struggling just to be present, and I did fly out as soon as the meeting was over. But, I went to the meeting, attended it, stayed present, and didn’t hide in the bathroom. Perhaps next week I’ll speak in some way, either introduce myself to someone or share during the meeting.

I nibbled at the edges again!

 

Useless mother

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9

Your mother was famous for threatening to kill herself. This happened at least weekly while you were a little girl growing up.

You’re setting the table, but you drop the pitcher, and it breaks.

“God dammit, I should kill myself! This family doesn’t care about me.”

You burn the steaks while grilling them.

“Nobody cares about me! I should die!”

You refuse to be confirmed as a Catholic because you’ve discovered you don’t believe in Catholicism.

“You’re going to hell! I should just die! Just Die!”

The trouble was that you found yourself wishing that she would go away in whatever form, as it was a personal hell listening to all the threats, so much so that you felt responsible for all of it.

When you hear that a friend is struggling with suicidal ideation you just want to run, flee. The whole concept gives you the willies, and you feel hypocritical for that because you also struggle with the very same thing. You want to be there for them, but it’s not possible, and it’s heart breaking.

You love seeing and hearing happy children out in the world. You study their faces intently for any clues, and you detect that their parents don’t threaten to kill themselves.

You hope you never speak to your mother again as long as you live. You’ve nothing constructive to say to her.

Neurofeedback, Take Two

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11

I woke up to the sound of workmen right outside my bedroom window at my apartment complex clattering away on whatever they were doing. It was jolting and triggering as all the racket made me all twitchy right out of the gate. I missed my appointment at the gym with my trainer because I was having trouble getting out of the dissociative state.

I hit the alarm at 8:40, and rushed out the door by 9:00 for the hour long drive to my neurofeedback appointment.

When I got to Doc’s office I was in a mood as I had a horrible headache from Tuesday’s session that took several hours to squash, and I drove an hour to this appointment in a less than ideal state of twitchiness. In short, I was in no mood for what seemed to be a waste of time.

I hate how when I open Doc’s door I am hit with a cold blast of air conditioning, along with a bevy of annoying door chimes announcing my arrival. It’s jarring to anyone, but especially me in my anxious state. It’s like a gust of sensory overload.

Doc then comes out, and waves his arms in that wildly expressive way of his, and says, “Come on in!”

He wants to know how I’m doing, and I tell him I’m not feeling great, as I didn’t sleep well. I also tell him about the headache.

It’ turns out that I should not have gone to acupuncture on the same day that I had neurofeedback. He had told me it was okay to go to acupuncture, but he did not realize I went to acupuncture for my PTSD. Apparently, both forms of therapy were too much for my brain, and that is likely why I had a headache.

Today I played EEG Chomper, which looked like a generic version of Pac-Man. Well, to be precise, my brainwaves played Chomper. I just watched. I am surprised at how hard it is for me to sit still for 30 minutes. It is very, very hard for me.

The good news is that I started at a 27 today, and got as low as a 5.5. Doc says I got lower faster than I did on Tuesday. Even though he annoys me at times, he is endearing. As soon as I was done he said, “Wow! Even better than last time!” It is sweet how he gets genuinely excited with good results. He is not a prim and proper doctor, which I appreciate. I’ve always preferred people who are a bit offbeat.

So far no headache today. I am so thankful for being pain-free today. I was actually humming at work, and singing along to music in the car. I almost don’t recognize myself. Doc did say that I will start to have different thoughts about myself, good thoughts. I can’t wait.