I take commitments seriously, and do everything in my power not to break them. But, today I found myself breaking a commitment that I wanted to keep. I started running regularly again, and I was scheduled to volunteer at a 5k race today with post-race refreshments.

As I was driving to the race location I came upon a detour that bottle-necked traffic on the highway. I felt my body start to panic and tweak out. For the first time, I understood what was happening. It was Secret. The traffic was scaring her, and because she was scared other peeps were getting scared as well. There was a domino effect at work here that needed intervention.

So I made a quick and decisive move. I immediately got off the highway, and started driving towards a place we like for breakfast. In the past I likely would have just persevered on, and eventually I would have arrived at the race. But I decided that such a move would have exacerbated things, as it has in the past. This was not a situation where I needed to get to a work site, or something just as critical. At that moment in time I needed to get the peeps feeling safe again, and proceeding on to the race likely would have delayed getting everyone feeling safe, in particular, Secret.

Until I’m able to work further with Secret on the whole traffic issue, I need to understand where she is in the process. Right now, if it takes aborting a volunteer situation in order to help her feel safe I will do it. I don’t like to let people down, but I had to make a tough choice in that moment. For the time being, I won’t be volunteering at any race that requires us to travel on the highway in order to get there.

It was a good move. Secret was on the edge for a bit the rest of the morning, but, ironically, running helped her feel better. A lot of this work is just trying to figure out how to work with the peeps or selves. And with that, I am tired, and falling asleep as I write this. Here’s hoping for no more dissociative sleep.