Tag Archives: Dissociative disorder

I really don’t appreciate this DID thing …

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I know, I’ve heard it from Doc already. The dissociation helped me cope with traumatic events in my childhood. Yes, I know this, but I still do not like this knowledge that I now possess. I’m not saying it’s better not to know. I would always rather know the truth. I’m just struggling with the reality of DID.

I find myself even more fearful of social situations because I don’t want to inadvertently switch. I know this can happen because it has happened to me in the past now that I’ve been able to go back in time and connect the dots in my chaotic life.

There is this wish and desire to be fully functional and really living life. But I am tired, very tired from all the detours, diagnoses, and setbacks.

Dear God, help me find a way to functionality. I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life.

Undone

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It’s been an exhausting week. Today was the first day this week where I felt stable and able to function. I was productive at work until I talked to Dan on the phone today. I asked him if I could make Christmas candy at his house next weekend. He said he did not mind having me come over to make candy, but he said that he wanted me to “make an effort in spending more time by myself at home.” He felt I needed to improve with my ability to be by myself at home.

I just started crying, and I switched. I know I switched because I started crying and talking like a child. I feel dumb in that I don’t know who I switched into. Doc is always asking, “Who’s this?” And I’m like, ” I dunno.” Really. I often don’t know. He seems puzzled when I say that. Trust me, the whole thing puzzles me as well.

Anyhow, Dan took it in stride that I switched. It was obvious to both of us that it happened. I appreciated that he just asked me if I needed anything, and he apologized for triggering me. He said he wasn’t trying to keep me away from spending time with him, that he was trying to help me. I believe him. He really sounded sorry on the phone, and I felt bad.

I feel completely undone.

Letty feels better

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Hi everyone

It’s Letty. I am better now. I texted Dan when I was feeling sad. He was Beatriz’s boyfriend a long time ago. I liked that he did not get scared that I was talking to him. He was nice to me.

Beatriz went to our favorite market today for groceries. It made us feel better. We got chocolates and gummy bears and roast chicken. I liked that Beatriz let me smell the gummy bears when we were putting them in the bag. I like that store a lot.

I ate too many gummy bears. Oops.

Bye

Letty