Tag Archives: Post-traumatic Stress

Emerging From Under the Rubble …

Posted on by

0

After a triggering event I often feel like I’ve awakened from a deep sleep. That is how I feel now. I slept a ton, which is also par for the course after being triggered. Hope is back in my psyche. (thankfully!)

I am in the calm and quiet of the Barnes and Noble Starbucks. Books, central air conditioning, and iced tea are just the right potion right now.

Two months ago I attended a wonderful workshop at Kripalu on using yoga and music to heal trauma. A special shout out to Louise Montello and Shari Friedrichsen for this beautiful 3 day workshop. I hope they do it again. We had the privilege of being the first to experience this workshop. I mention this workshop because today, in my regained sense of calm, I started reminiscing about this experience, and it led me to the notes I took during those three days.

On the final day of the workshop Louise asked us to write a “story song” to summarize our trauma and how life was now, and we needed to do this in five sentences. In that moment it just came to me, and it came to me as a poem. I didn’t exactly adhere to the five sentences, but I found I came closer than a lot of people. Here’s what shot out of me like a bullet:

Bye Dad, no Dad.

Scary Mom, run away.

Bad Men.

Drink it away.

Wake up.

Put the drink away,

And live.

It was nice remembering this poem, and how I felt in the moment I wrote it. The “And live” part is what I try to focus on these days. Some days are more successful than others. Today is one of those more successful days.

Mayhem in my mind

Posted on by

4

There is no easy way to put this. I am in an emotional meltdown. My therapist is out for a week with surgery, and my psychiatrist is new, and I am uncomfortable with calling him over the weekend. But, if I don’t improve by tomorrow I may be calling him because I am scaring myself with the depth of my hopelessness.

Today was a better day at work, but just a smidge. I didn’t break down, and I kept it together. But I certainly felt teary and on the verge of tears. I had this heavy feeling of dread that I could not shake. I made it through the day, and cried on the way home.

I got home, glumly ate dinner, and cried while I ate. My friend, Dave, called me to see how I was doing, and insisted on coming to get me. He brought me to his place, and I’m starting to feel somewhat safe again.

This morning was a huge fog. That is not unusual after a huge triggered event. I felt very dissociative, as if I was walking in huge swaths of cotton. My body was heavy and felt leaden. I found my electric toothbrush on it’s side, out of it’s stand. I always return it to it’s stand. This means that I’m losing time again. That has not happened in many months. Damn. I’m regressing, going backwards.

Day One

Posted on by

3

This blog is a year in my life of coping with PTSD, a window, if you will, into my world. Hopefully, this window will provide those of you struggling with PTSD a view that will help alleviate the feeling that you are alone in this. For family members or loved ones, this blog can give you insight into some of the challenges we face. Though I have to give this one caution. PTSD is very unique in how it manifests itself with each person. My triggers are not necessarily another person’s triggers. Everyone’s triggers and symptoms vary widely. So, with that understanding, my experience on this blog is all my own.

I should be going to bed. Sleep is one of my biggest challenges. I often have nightmares, and/or have trouble falling asleep. Getting enough sleep, and getting restful sleep is a daily challenge. We’ll see how it goes. Good night.