Tag Archives: postaday

The boring diner

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There’s this diner near my apartment that I love. It’s actually a very pedestrian diner. The food is okay, not great or bad, just fine. The service is probably the best part of the place. The staff are always friendly. There’s one sweet girl that remembers I like tea, and today she asked me, “What kind of tea will it be today?” I chose iced tea since it was hot outside. Even as I chose it I knew that the hot tea was a better choice, but I wanted iced tea. So, I prepared myself for what was coming, and this is what I got.

As you can see, I am guilty of starting to drink it before I remembered to take a picture. Yes, I was thirsty. I needed to quench my thirst. But, this was instant iced tea! I know, I know, such things should be outlawed. However, because I know their iced tea is instant my taste buds were prepared for it.

Then I ordered the pancakes with nutella and bananas with bacon on the side.

The pancakes are likely from a mix as they don’t have the buttermilk tang that they would possess if they were made from scratch. But that’s why I get them with the nutella and bananas. They hide the bland pancakes, and give them flavor.

Every time I decide I’m going to go to the diner to eat I tell myself that I should choose a more exciting restaurant, one with a better menu. However, there’s a comfort I have in eating here, and I always feel welcome. I know exactly what I can expect every single time I dine here, and they never let me down. It’s always over air-conditioned in the summer, and I need to carry in a cardigan. So, I’m always prepared with one.

As a person with PTSD it’s nice to have things I can count in life to be the same no matter what. My diner never changes. The iced tea is instant. The pancakes are from a mix, and the place is too cool in the summer. And every weekend I eat here.

I miss wearing necklaces

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What you see above is my favorite necklace. Right now, for some reason, I cannot wear it for any significant period of time. Necklaces are my favorite pieces of jewelry. But, lately, I start to get this panicky chokey feeling any time I am wearing one. I few times at work I had to, all of a sudden, take off my necklace. I’ve given up wearing them altogether.

With giving up necklaces, I often get annoyed in the morning when I put on one of my outfits that goes perfectly with the necklace pictured above. I stare at the bare spot on my neck where the necklace would go, and I feel incomplete. But, I’m doing everything I can to avoid dissociation and triggers, so I don’t wear a necklace.

The most vexing thing about this situation is that I don’t know why I have this reaction with anything touching my neck. I have absolutely no memory of anything that can account for this. All I know is how I feel if I have a necklace on, or if someone I am dating touches my neck.

I miss my pink flower necklace.

once an addict, always an addict …

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You had dinner with Jack tonight, and you’ve assessed that the two of you are better off as friends. In fact, the more time you spend with him the more confident you become in that assessment. There’s nothing obnoxious about him, you wouldn’t be friends with him if there was. It’s just that the two of you are incredibly different in terms of lifestyle, and what you want out of life.

However, today at dinner you found your mind starting to stray into that murky territory of attraction. But, big but here, you know that an addict is always an addict, especially a sex addict. You know, in that wise mind of yours, that you were starting to lust after him, simple as that.

You know all too well that if you had met Jack four years ago before you hit rock bottom with alcohol and sex that you would have devoured him and spit him out by now. He would only have lasted two weeks at the most in your life, and that was by design. You preferred it that way. You were in control, that is, until you weren’t in control at the very end.

He walks you to your car after dinner.You think about kissing him. Instead, you give him kale and beets from the farm share box in your car. Jack is a very good friend, and you’ve come to value friendship in recovery.