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Letty is very mad

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This is Letty. I am very scared. The lady at work knows the secret. She knows and I don’t like it. The lady guessed it. And Beatriz can’t lie. She needed to lie. I was telling her DON’T SAY IT. But she did say it to the lady.

Then I wanted to get under the desk and Beatriz said no because we were at work. Then I wanted us to leave and Beatriz said no because work wasn’t over. When Beatriz started shaking in the ladys office the lady said to her, “you should work out such announcements with your people. I think some are not happy!”

I wanted to say Yeah! when she said this but Beatriz was keeping me from talking. I was happy when the lady started talking about work again. Oh I am mad mad mad. I can’t be a good Lookout if people know!

Oh crap …

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I was just talking to my boss, whom I’ve known for a number of years as a friend. Though she knows about my PTSD, I went to great lengths not to tell her about my DID. Well, today she inadvertently guessed that I have it. She did not do it maliciously, she was just guessing as to why I had a hard morning. I came in 20 minutes late, and told her i had a hard morning. She asked me what was hard about this morning, and I tried to be vague about the reason.

However, I must have told her enough for her to guess because she said, “maybe you have MPD.” I started shaking and twitching right there on the spot.

She felt bad, and said she didn’t mean to upset me, she was just offering up a possibility for my difficulties. I then admitted to her that I have DID.

I was floored with how supportive she was with this news. She said, “you’re working on it, that’s what counts. But, you know, for all the years I’ve known you, this makes sense.”

It was nice that she was supportive, but my peeps did not appreciate this surprise.

Undone

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It’s been an exhausting week. Today was the first day this week where I felt stable and able to function. I was productive at work until I talked to Dan on the phone today. I asked him if I could make Christmas candy at his house next weekend. He said he did not mind having me come over to make candy, but he said that he wanted me to “make an effort in spending more time by myself at home.” He felt I needed to improve with my ability to be by myself at home.

I just started crying, and I switched. I know I switched because I started crying and talking like a child. I feel dumb in that I don’t know who I switched into. Doc is always asking, “Who’s this?” And I’m like, ” I dunno.” Really. I often don’t know. He seems puzzled when I say that. Trust me, the whole thing puzzles me as well.

Anyhow, Dan took it in stride that I switched. It was obvious to both of us that it happened. I appreciated that he just asked me if I needed anything, and he apologized for triggering me. He said he wasn’t trying to keep me away from spending time with him, that he was trying to help me. I believe him. He really sounded sorry on the phone, and I felt bad.

I feel completely undone.