What the heart wants, the head can’t have

One of my supervisors, Dena, reminds me so much of the me before I became so broken by PTSD. She even has my old body style, as she can rock A-line dresses. I look at her wistfully as she bounces into my office cube to ask me a question with that girl-next door charm of hers.

Meanwhile, the A-line dresses I have no longer fit me very well, and I seriously doubt that I exude much charm these days. While Dena confidently glides around the office, I sit in my cube with a cardigan wrapped around me as I twitch with anxiety.

Today I struggled with intense headaches, and I am not sure if they were caused by yesterday’s neurofeedback. Interestingly, I didn’t have a lot of anxiety and triggers today. Those were traded in for headaches, unbeknownst to me until they took over my head in pain.

I wanted to cook today, but I was too tired and in too much pain to do so. So, with a refrigerator full of food to cook, I picked up a sub to eat instead. Ugh, what a waste.

I miss doing investigations in my last job. The work was so fun that it didn’t feel like work. Today I found myself holding my head in pain as I struggled to edit a voluminous policy document. I have a good job, but it’s not the job my heart wants. My heart wants to go back to human resources doing employee misconduct investigations, but my head isn’t ready to do that work again. The heart gets impatient with this predicament. It didn’t help that I received a canvass letter for a promotional position doing the kind of work I used to do. With a heavy, heavy heart here’s the reply I sent in:

Yep, I declined being considered for the position. It was in my own agency, and the secretary in human resources only sits four office cubes down from me. Before I could change my mind I filled it out, and rushed it over to her desk. I even made myself rush back to my desk so that I would have less chance of changing the form.

I have to hang on with the off chance that I may get to do what I love again some day. If that’s not the case, I would rather not know because I don’t know if I can bear that knowledge.

13 thoughts on “What the heart wants, the head can’t have

  1. i am so sad that because of what abuse robs or maybe mad…so sorry about your work…here’s hoping for a brighter future when you feel better and a job beyond your wildest dreams! xo

  2. I am so sorry. This sounds so very hard. For what it’s worth, you it sounds like you know what’s best for you at this time, even if it’s not what ultimately will make you happy. We must take care of ourselves, and give ourselves some kindness and acceptance as far as where we’re at right now. I’m sure your heart hurts from having to turn down such an opportunity, but just remember, there will always be more opportunities in the future. Right now, it sounds like you’re putting your mental health first. And I commend you for that. Hang in there. You’ll get to where you want, sometimes it just takes a bit longer than we’d like. Sending good thoughts your way. xx

  3. Really sorry, this sounds so difficult. šŸ˜¦ It’s great that you’re making sure that your wellbeing and mental health is top priority and I hope that some day you can be back to doing what you love. x

  4. You and me both lovely. We will both end up where we want to be eventually. Until then just the fact we have a job is enough. You should be proud of yourself to be honest. A lot of people don’t fight daily as much as you do to stay afloat xx

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