Category Archives: anxiety

I miss wearing necklaces

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7

What you see above is my favorite necklace. Right now, for some reason, I cannot wear it for any significant period of time. Necklaces are my favorite pieces of jewelry. But, lately, I start to get this panicky chokey feeling any time I am wearing one. I few times at work I had to, all of a sudden, take off my necklace. I’ve given up wearing them altogether.

With giving up necklaces, I often get annoyed in the morning when I put on one of my outfits that goes perfectly with the necklace pictured above. I stare at the bare spot on my neck where the necklace would go, and I feel incomplete. But, I’m doing everything I can to avoid dissociation and triggers, so I don’t wear a necklace.

The most vexing thing about this situation is that I don’t know why I have this reaction with anything touching my neck. I have absolutely no memory of anything that can account for this. All I know is how I feel if I have a necklace on, or if someone I am dating touches my neck.

I miss my pink flower necklace.

brain fight

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15

My brain and I are fighting, and I think I’m losing.

Today was one of those hard days with my brain where the twitchiness would not stop.

I tried smelling my lotions, eating Chewy Sprees, drinking herbal tea … to no avail.

The despair and anxiety just perseveres against my efforts.

Finally, I took a shower, and still no change.

I’m arguing with my brain again, my brain that thinks I’m unworthy.

We’re at a stalemate, me and my brain.

Still nibbling …

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12

As usual, I woke up from a night of nightmares. I did not sleep well last night, and had to take a long nap from 11:00 – 2:00 today. Then, even during that nap, I nightmared again!

I took a shower to try to shake the dissociation, and then took myself out to eat a late lunch/early dinner. I didn’t know what to call the meal, just knew I was in need of one.

By the time I finished eating I realized that I could actually make the Sunday AA women’s meeting that I attended last Sunday. Without giving it another thought I drove there, and this time I rushed right in instead of hiding out in the bathroom.

As I listened during the sharing part of the meeting, some folks started talking about topics that were triggering to me. However, I was able to remain grounded. I refused to give in to the dissociation that was coming over me. Oddly, a number of people were talking about difficult mothers, a topic which many of you know has been on my mind lately. Then, one woman talked about her daughter in a way that my mother would likely talk about me. I felt myself get floaty, but I told myself that this was her experience, not mine, and I did not have to internalize it.

Again, I did not speak at the meeting as I was often struggling just to be present, and I did fly out as soon as the meeting was over. But, I went to the meeting, attended it, stayed present, and didn’t hide in the bathroom. Perhaps next week I’ll speak in some way, either introduce myself to someone or share during the meeting.

I nibbled at the edges again!