DID is leaking into my favorite coffee shop

According to Doc, I am in the midst of integration,and with that comes all sorts of weirdness, confusion and chaos.

Today I walked into my favorite coffee shop to get my trusty and reliable Zen and Now green tea, which is just green tea with mint and lemongrass. The owner of the shop is this sweet tall guy that talks me up every now and again. The shop is the size of a shoe box, and he is forever rearranging the place trying to find the right feng shui. It’s really kind of cute how he’s optimistic that he can find just the right layout with enough effort.

His latest configuration has it set up where the baking area is open so that anyone walking in can see the owner baking. It’s actually his best configuration yet. I hope he keeps it. I walked in, and saw him furiously mixing, and I asked him what he was making. When he answered me the world became fuzzy on me. As he was speaking to me I became aware that I was not hearing all of what he was saying. It was akin to a cell phone call that was breaking up. After he repeated what he was making I gathered that he was making “Kitchen Sink Oatmeal Cookies,”never knew that’s what he called them. But then he said something about coming me around to where he was baking, or perhaps he said people want to come around and see what he’s doing … Oh! I don’t know what he said because his words became broken up again, like the breaking up cell phone call except that it’s live and in person. Very weird. I finally just said I would see him later. I think I missed a critical part of the conversation because he had this confused look on his face. Arrrggh! It vexes me that my own internal chaos is leaking into my places of comfort.

I don’t know why I had trouble being fully present when people were speaking to me today. Thankfully, I didn’t have a lot of interaction with people at work today. At least my weirdness didn’t leak there.

A divided brain

English: Ty'n Llyn farmhouse internal wall The...

Walls,

dividers,

and partitions

are the glue of the DID brain.

When those start to crack,

fall,

and falter

chaos ensues,

and life is never the same again.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are limits

There are inherent limits with DID.

With DID you watch the world pass you by. On your strongest days you feel like you can do anything, but the feeling is fleeting, and not sustainable.

It was on one of my strongest days that I applied for a promotion in a different office. There may be a job offer tomorrow that I have to turn down.

And I sit here frozen because typing any further renders me teary.

I know the awesomeness of my productivity and skill set is inside me, but the state of my system in the midst of integration renders this as not a good time for this kind of change.

But it angers me because I see others passing me by into other positions that I know I can excel in if my system was more stable.

I don’t want these limits, but they are there nonetheless. No amount of wishing or determination will extricate them out of my system, at least for today.

I trick myself into believing that I can really rock it as a professional, and that I can burst right through the limits that DID imposes on me because I am one hell of a determined woman.

I just want to excel in my career.

But with DID there are limits.