Today was the first day of neurofeedback with Doc, the psychiatrist. I actually walked in feeling relatively calm. Though I did not sleep well, I was able to go to the gym this morning, so I felt alright. In fact, I felt the best I had felt in at least a couple of weeks.

Doc sat me in front of a laptop, and started putting some goop on my ears and head for the sensors that would send feedback from my brain to the computer. There were a variety of programs on the screen, and Doc chose Spectral Mirror, whatever the hell that means. He told me to focus on the screen the entire time. Various colors would appear on the screen at certain intervals. I believe the intervals have to do with my brainwaves.

At the start of the neurofeedback session Doc just blurted, “Wow, I’ve never seen numbers this high. Yes, you have PTSD in spades!” It’s a good thing I’m patient with the old guy because I didn’t exactly appreciate hearing that in that moment, especially with the fervor in which he exclaimed it.

It was a bit weird how Doc knew when my mind was beginning to drift during the session. I would start to think about work, and there were even a few times when I started to get triggered. I got twitchy a few times. When my mind would drift he would tell me to put my focus back on the screen. Weird. Kinda like he was an interloper in my brain. There was a moment when I was fighting the urge to get under the table.

The neurofeedback session took 30 minutes. As soon as I was done he told me that my brain took to it very nicely as my “number” came down to a 5. I asked him what was ideal, and he said that ideally it should be under a 7. I asked him what it was when I started, and he said it was a 45, and he had never seen such a high number.

Doc then asked me if I was feeling nervous when I came in, and I said no. In fact, I arrived feeling the most calm I had felt in many days. Then he asked how I felt now that the session was over. and that’s when I realized that I felt even better. I actually felt calm. Perhaps, I’ve been so anxious for so long that I didn’t even know what calm felt like … Doc thought that could very well be the case. I will be back on Thursday for another session.