Of course, given that today is Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about the fact that my mother is out of my life. It does not escape me that many of us on here struggle with PTSD or DID as a result of our childhood experiences with our mothers. I’m also certain that many of you, like me, have dreaded this day, especially when you look at your Facebook newsfeed and you see all of these lovely status updates about loving mom, having a great mom, missing a dearly departed mom, etc. This feels like the only place in the universe where I can say that I unequivocally HATE mother’s day.
Saying that you hate mother’s day is like saying you hate puppies or world peace. It’s simply a socially unacceptable thing to admit or talk about in any form where you are not anonymous. Yet, we know that there are children out there, too many children, that are taken from their parents because of abusive situations. We’ve all read stories of mothers killing their children. Then there are the countless other children that go unnoticed and reach adulthood with a terrorizing mother. For all of these children, I weep. I weep because a mother is such a fundamental part of life. We can only come into this life with a mother, but not all of those mothers are up to the task. And there is no rhyme or reason as to which of us in this life are blessed with a kind mother, and which of us are not.
On this day I reflect on how I learned not to ask for my mother for a hug, and how I was not one of the kids who would cry for her mommy. I would cry because I was sad or scared, but I did not want my mother. She was never a source of comfort. There was never that quintessential mother/daughter embrace where you feel that mother/daughter love.
Today my mother is out of my life, and has been since 2006. Unfortunately, life is more peaceful without my mother in my life. Regardless of everything that has happened between me and my mother I only want peace for her. When she does pass away I think that I’ll likely feel the same way I feel on Mother’s day, sadness for the mother I never had.
It’s refreshing to come on here and say that, yes, my mother is still alive. No, I have no contact with her. And, yes, I am very okay with that. No, I will not regret that when she dies. I only regret I did not do it sooner. No, I do not love my mother. I do not hate her either. She is just a person I have to contend with in my life. I wish her no ill will. I only wish that I continue to not see her for the rest of my days on this earth. Life is too short to share with hateful, narcissistic and vindictive people. My mother, unfortunately, falls in this category.
Eternal love goes out to all of you out there that did not have the mother you needed. Listen to me when I say that it is not a reflection of your worth. Don’t let a less than loving mother determine your worth in this life.
A Year in the Life of PTSD 