A strange peace

Ever since I got under the table in Doc’s office things have been strangely more peaceful for me. I’ve no idea if there is any correlation to my last session with Doc, or if it’s just a coincidence. At any rate, I’ll take it.

I’ve been trying to find the gift in awareness of the extent of my dissociative disorder. I don’t see the gift in having it, but I do see the gift in now becoming aware of it. Although I don’t like that there’s another thing to add to my “crazy” bucket, so many things are now starting to make sense for me.

Now that I understand that the rattle of noises in my head is really various “inside voices” I surprisingly feel less crazy. I now feel like I have far less internal secrets. I never told a soul about the inner voices in my head, or the part of me that I knew was little.

I hope the good vibes keep chugging along for me because it is a trying week at work. I have a presentation on Thursday that will be brutal. It’s tough when you have a job you don’t like. I try to be grateful, but it is particularly hard this week. I also try to veer away from the feeling that this job is a punishment for my past sins. That’s the tendency my head tends to land when I’m hating this job, and missing Human Resources.

It’s nice to feel grateful, instead of the usual muck of despair. I’ll take it.

8 thoughts on “A strange peace

  1. Feeling less crazy for hearing the voices is vital. It is the difference between accepting them and listening and pushing them away. So glad you are having some peaceful days xx

  2. it’s good that you’ve found some sort of clarity in learning your diagnosis – I hope this is the beginning of feeling better for you. xx

  3. Best wishes on your presentation. My counselor pointed out that dissociation was useful to me when I was young, but it became maladaptive as an adult. That helped me put it into perspective for me. It’s tough work to not tune out under stress and triggers, but it’s possible to learn new ways of managing emotions and experiences. Tedious and tiring work, I know. It does get easier, though. So glad you’re breaking through the layers. Wishing you well.

  4. The gift of having dissociation is that it helped keep you alive. You have survived because of it. But now that you are in a safe living situation, you no longer need it to survive. You have begun the process of healing! It is an up and down process, so please remember on the bad days that you are strong enough to get through it and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So glad you are feeling better.

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