I have go into the lion’s den tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to make an all day presentation in a job in which I chafe at on a daily basis. It’s possible to chug through most days when I’m behind a desk dutifully plugging away at my work. It’s an altogether different scenario when you have to stand in front of the entire state, and run a video conference in a job in which you fantasize about leaving.

This job has been good to me in a number of ways. It has enabled me to have flexibility with all of my therapy and psychiatry appointments. My boss is very supportive of me. Now I’m drawing a blank at thinking of other positives …

The job can be very adversarial, and because of this, I can get triggered at times. I most fear someone being horrible during the video conference tomorrow. I’ve seen it happen to other colleagues of mine. I just keep telling myself that even if the worst happens I won’t die. I’ll live through it. They can’t imprison me or torture me. I’ll be able to walk away at the end. There will be an end. That’s what I keep telling myself.

I’ve even planned to have dinner and a movie with a friend after work so that I have something to look forward to after this ridiculous ordeal.

Serendipitously, I have a second job interview on Friday for a position in human resources, my previous field. I had a very traumatic experience in my last job in human resources. That’s the main reason I left that job. My previous director assaulted me. The whole thing was a very traumatic ordeal. I stayed at my human resources job for 2 years after the event, but I knew that I needed to move on in order to make progress in getting better.

That’s what brought me to the job I currently hold. Every moment that frustrates me at this job causes me to mourn the loss of a career I loved. I want it back, but for tomorrow I need to be present to get the current job done. Get through tomorrow to get to Friday in order to try to come back home where I belong.