A first look … and I didn’t like it

This past Monday during a session with Doc I had the experience of a 5 year old version of me making an appearance. I tried writing about it afterwards, but the post was too hard for me to finish. I started writing the post as present-day Beatriz, then, before I knew it, I noticed that the 5 year old version of me took over the post. I had already been scared by the session, and having that happen in the blog post scared me even more.

Finally I just put my laptop under the couch because I couldn’t bear it anymore, the evidence of my DID was too much for me. Then, I don’t know why, I started feeling like I shouldn’t live, and I started having paranoid thoughts of homelessness. I’ve no idea why all that happened after the session. I had even had a a string of good days prior to Monday, but it seems like after that session I was a mess.

Thankfully I had the sense to call my friend Dan while I was in that state of despair. He stayed on the phone with me, got me to take a Xanax while I was on the phone with him, and then stayed on the line with me until I was in bed ready to fall asleep. He wanted me to come over and stay at his place, but it was late, and I didn’t want to pack my crap. Plus, I don’t think I was fit to drive, and I didn’t want him coming over here to get me at such a late hour.

I’m finally feeling better, BUT I have another session with Doc tomorrow, not to imply that Doc is the issue. I just start to wonder if it’s really okay to let the peeps out in therapy. We shall see. I can only wonder who, if anyone, will appear tomorrow in Doc’s office.

5 thoughts on “A first look … and I didn’t like it

  1. I think the only way to really heal, as one, is to let your peeps out in therapy. This may mean they start to leak out at home too but once you get ‘used to it’ it will be less scary. Hopefully you will start to feel a bit ‘free-er’ and things will start to feel quieter inside once other parts of you have built up trust in the therapist and you can all share things with him. This is all good, trust me xx

    • Hey! That’s exactly what Doc said today. He used the phrase “another layer of healing.” Great minds think alike!

  2. Pingback: Cooking for money? | A Year in the Life of PTSD

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