Love is the conundrum

Love is the enigma, and love is also the desire.

You lost the love of your father, and never really had the love of your mother. That set the stage for the eternal quest for love.

You married your high school sweetheart, you wanted to be sure to scoop up someone who loved you right away, waste no time. Alas, love was not enough for the two of you. Then, you met a lovely man who would do anything for you, and you broke his heart with what you thought was love with another woman. You did not love yourself enough to leave that relationship when you needed to do so.

Ten years later you wake up, and realize that your love, the love inside of you, deserves to be given to someone more deserving. And therein starts a journey to find love that may never conclude. You’ve realized that you are not only learning how to love others, you are learning how to love yourself. No wonder you struggle with family, friendships, and relationships. There’s not just finding a boyfriend. Gosh, finding a boyfriend seemed like the ultimate solution long ago in 1991. You find a boyfriend, never leave him, marry him, and stay together forever. You thought that was the recipe to life and life-long love.

But, no, love is so much more than that. It’s much more than just staying with someone. It’s acceptance and kindness and tenderness and so much more because you are still learning, and you may always be in the remedial class for love.

These days when you struggle in your lessons on love you have to remember this: Do not go back to the Well of Love That Did Not Work.

Do.Not.Do.That. Easier said than done. You are lonely, and want to love. But do not go back. There was a good reason for the end of all of those relationships. Go forward … forward! It’s scary because forward is the unknown, whereas the Well of Love That Did Not Work has some inherent comfort in that you know what to expect from that well.

Do not text the ex-husband. He is married, unhappy, but married, nonetheless.

Do not flirt with the ex-boyfriend down the street. He loved you, but did not see you as his equal.

Do not Facebook message the hotel concierge from Dublin. He was homophobic and cheap, fun for a vacation date, and that was it.

Go forward into the unknown. It’s the only way you’ll have a chance of cracking the lifelong love lesson.

Reread this post when you forget everything you just read here.

7 thoughts on “Love is the conundrum

  1. One of the hardest lessons I learned — very painful — was that looking for love would ultimately end in disappointment for me. I needed to know myself first, love myself first, accept myself first and be comfortable with myself before I would have anything to give someone else. Love is work as well as joy. You sound like you’re on the right path….. Cinda

  2. Years ago, as part of a larger work I learned this: “And for those who seek for me,
    know that seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the mystery;
    that if that which you seek you find not within,you will never find it without.
    For behold,I have been with you from the beginning;and I am that which is attained
    at the end of desire” It was only after (among other things) I learned that this applied to the hardest lesson: you had to learn to love and value yourself first above all else before you could do so in a healthy way with another person. And it was a freaking tough lesson – and a lonely one at times. But it was worth it.

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