I have found my own modern day hermit’s cave, which I call The Black Car. I work, only because I must. And on days when I have to bring the magic in my job I have one of my parts do the heavy lifting. I’ve stopped answering most text messages and phone calls. There are a small few people whom I will reply to or answer calls, but its often painful for me to do so, and I’m usually itching to cease the communication.
Last month I had memories start to come forth, though only slivers of clues that beg further questions. Though enough has come forth that I am constantly stupefied by memories that pour out of my brain at moments when I need my full concentration, usually at work.
I tried explaining to one friend in particular this afternoon why I had been isolating and strugggling. When I told him I had been struggling with memories he just looked at me, and said nothing. And then after an uncomfortable silence he changed the subject altogether. I felt silly sitting there in that sushi restaurant with too many sushi rolls between us, and the cloud of discomfort in the air. The interaction confirmed my instincts for staying hidden away from most people to the extent possible.
I walk around only seeing what is directly in front of me. An old friend saw me in the tea shop yesterday, and she had to wave me down and say my name loudly to get my attention. I honestly did not see her sitting in close vicinity of me.
I have days where I can fake it very well, when my dear Sabrina can fully come out at work and bring the magic. And then at the end of the day The Black Car is waiting again, and Sabrina has left when she senses that she is no longer needed for work.
The Black Car is a dependable old girl, and she’s always there patiently waiting for the next ride.
Memories emerge when you’re ready to deal with them. Are you still working with a therapist who could support and guide you through this time? Is this the first time you’ve been through this kind of thing? If not, take time to remember what you did before. Have you got a notebook in which you can write the memories down? I found that helpful for my process. It sounds like you have someone who can help you keep your job. Do you have someone whose job it is to keep you healthy? Please take care of yourself, and if there is a friend or therapist who can help you through this time, please lean on them! You are in my thoughts!
I think she ccyager speaks wisely.
I can only say that the kind of resonance I feel here is disheartening. We are so amazing. When they realize how hard its been to be us, they will look at us with awe and not fear. Respect friend.