Today’s struggle to be in the world

One of my greatest joys is a job well done, even something as simple as a needed email or inputting a transaction correctly. I recently realized this is likely because growing up I could rarely, if ever, please my parents.

Today I am in a job that I love in a company that severely understaffs my department because we don’t produce revenue. Alas, they forget the fact that we are a large part of risk management. On top of working too many hours, I have two cases that are particularly triggering for me right now. They are reminders of past trauma. I am holding onto the cliff edge with one finger in this situation, so it seems. It has taken me a while to admit I need to look for another job. I like the job I have, but I have to finally admit it is not going to get any better. In fact, the understaffing situation is full of risk because there is a greater chance that something important will be accidentally overlooked. Oh wait, that already happened.

I have cried from the stress more days than not this past week. I am left with this feeling of abject hopelessness. Over and over again I go back to this fear of homelessness and joblessness. I’ll be wiping down a counter at home, and just suddenly burst into tears. This fear takes residence within me, and intermittently goes dormant and then springs to life.

I want to contribute meaningfully at a job in which success is possible. Success is not currently possible in my current situation, and though I work with lovely folks that does not change the impossible workload.

My life feels like it has become truncated. I need to find a way to feel hopeful again.

8 thoughts on “Today’s struggle to be in the world

  1. Hi friend. So nice to hear from you. I’m sorry work has been so triggering. Please balance self care in there. I’m not perfect at it either so I’m one to talk. But I know it’s so, so important.

    Authority figures and their reaction (or lack thereof) to my work is one of the most emotionally raw triggers for me. Every time it will send me over the top. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m collapsing. It’s rough.

    So I’m going to do some self care right now actually before bed.

    All the best,

    -Nel

  2. I’m so glad to hear from you and so sorry that work has been such a stressful place this week. It’s good that your co-workers are nice people; that makes the rest of it a little easier to deal with. Sending positive thoughts your way!❤️

  3. You’ve taken the first step by admitting there’s an issue and identifying the problem. What you choose to do next is in your control. Remember to take care of yourself. Take the time to figure out what you want and then go for it. You have the strength and ability you need. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with so much stress! You are intelligent and you’ll figure this out — I have every confidence in you.

  4. The work you do is good work, and you do your work well. You need to – and deserve to – do it for a place that values you and appreciates you. You knew you were going to move on at some point; and wow it is time. I am sorry it has gotten this awful

    • Oh it has taken on a new form of awful, Sarah. I have started the quest in earnest for a new job. This week is going to be a real test of fortitude as I am going to find out just how much money is valued over doing the right thing. I would love to be completely wrong on this one.

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