Author Archives: A Year in the Life of PTSD

The high shelf

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English: shelf Ελληνικά: ράφι

High shelves are handy for placing things that should not be misplaced, but also need to be out of mind until you can pay them attention.

Yesterday’s heavy post came out of my session with Doc. Though I have not changed the fundamental thoughts I conveyed yesterday, I do feel better today.

I am exhausted though, as I was not able to fall asleep last night until well after 2 a.m. After I wrote that post I started having a quick succession of thoughts of all the reasons God should not care for me. Not a good way to try to go to sleep.

To top things off, I received an email last night from a friend (supposedly a friend … ) suggesting that I should not be a writer because it’s a lonely life, I am too sensitive, etc. I don’t remember the specifics of the rest, just that he gave a litany of reasons as why I should not write.

Today I’ve set all of that aside, my thoughts about God’s view of me, and my friend’s opinion of me continuing to write. It’s all on a high shelf, and I’ll deal with it later. Today I need to rest, and get ready for more therapy tomorrow. Oh, yeah, and I have a stupid day job for which I have a deadline on a big project project on Friday. So all the emotional crap gets shelved until the weekend.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No God

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Today, for the first time in my life, I admitted that I believe that God does not like me, does not care for me. It’s not something that is easy to admit, but it is true that this is how I feel, what I believe. I want the truth to be otherwise.

An hour passed since I wrote the paragraph above.

The realization that there is not one thing I would do in the world for my mother and stepfather is painful for me. I’ve tried and tried to search in my heart for feeling for them, but there is none to be had. I come up empty every single time.

When friends shake their heads at this fact I want shake them back and yell, “Don’t you know that I wish I could find a shred of feeling for them?! It is painful to feel nothing for one’s parents. The guilt is immense.”

If you blow out a candle enough times you eventually will be unable to relight it. You can only relight it so many times. My parents extinguished the light long ago. I’ve tried to relight it for them to no avail.

When the light was extinguished for my parents it seems that God blew out my candle as well.

Seven Things Award

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Sorry, gang. I’ve been remiss about getting around to the awards for which I’ve been nominated. I’m playing catch up this week.

Last week, Maxi at Me and Anxiety nominated me for the Seven Things award. Thanks Maxi!

The rules of the Seven things about me award are:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Share seven things about yourself.
  3. Nominate other bloggers you think deserve the award, and post on their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated.

Here are seven things about me:

  1. I have a thick-headed sense of justice, so much so that I’ve quit jobs over it. It’s a gift and curse rolled into one.
  2. Since my PTSD diagnosis 4 years ago I’ve gained 45 pounds. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.
  3. Nearly every day I fight suicidal ideation. It’s been that way for most of the past 4 years.
  4. I am not a big candy eater, but I do like peanut M&Ms.
  5. My hair has been long all my life except for a horrid Easter season ca. 1986 and one regrettable hair cut in college.
  6. I have way too many degrees, 2 bachelors and almost a third masters. What can I say? I like learning.
  7. I am not a fan of hot weather. I belong in London, Dublin, Seattle, or Reykjavik. Every day I longingly check out the weather in these cities.

Here are 7 blogs I’ve recently started following that contribute greatly to the blogosphere. Please check them out.

  1. Soberistas
  2. The Undateable Virgin
  3. Staying Afloat
  4. Shoegaze and cats
  5. defying ptsd
  6. Not your victim
  7. Discovering Serenity

I have one more award to formally accept this week. So stay tuned! As always, thank you for being such a great supportive group here at wordpress.

Love,

Beatriz