Category Archives: healing

Thank You

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I am acutely aware that I am sporadic on here with posting, and with replying to comments. I am also not good at following other’s blogs. It’s a wonder that I still have supportive readers out there.

And, so, thank you beyond measure for sticking with me, supporting me, reading my blog even in the face of epic silence when I am late replying to comments, or very tardy with the next post. Your support is not unrecognized.

Sometimes it’s all I can do to post, and then I just kind of float on by until I post again. I’m realizing more and more how dissociative I have been through out my life, so dissociative that it became a reflex for me, a default of sorts. This past weekend I’ve really noticed the extent to which I tend to dissociate. I noticed this because it was like world around me was sharper, louder, clearer, like a swath of cotton was pulled away from my face, and the world became more apparent to me. It was the first time I felt like I was in the world, and not a spectator to it.

Thank you for sticking with me, and I will try to be better at being engaged on here, but just know that if or when I do disappear that I am trying to get back. I will always try to get back. I promise that.

Just do it, one tiny step at a time.

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You made breakfast at home on a Saturday. You can’t recall the last time you’ve done that.

Short-lived success. Now you feel the cloudy swaths of dissociation floating around you.

But, somehow, the floatiness passes. It actually passes without you having to leave the house. This has never happened in the past. You’ve always had to leave for it pass.

And so you heated up soup for lunch, watched tv, and took a peaceful nap.

You woke up, and drafted a poem. Then you made french toast for dinner. The enormity of what has happened has not escaped you. You cooked three meals in your apartment in one day, three meals! You feel like you should be doing a victory lap of sorts.

You realize that it’s the small victories that are actually the large victories in this journey.

Fork in the road

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English: A fork in the road Which way should i go?

What happens when we have a choice before us that can be life-changing?

You are at that fork in the road, and you desperately want to make the right choice, the best damn choice. But life does not provide a crystal ball into the future. You make your best guess. You talk to friends, colleagues, therapists, siblings, ex-boyfriends, and in the end, only you can assess and decide what to do.

And when the choice before you includes things you’ve always wanted it makes choosing so confusing and confounding. You want to go with what you want. Everyone wants what they want. But what we want in the moment isn’t always what is best for us. Knowing this, and even applying this is hard and it can even be heart-breaking.

And, yes, I’m talking about my decision earlier this week not to take a promotion. It’s absolutely mind-blowing to know that either direction this decision was going to be life-changing. The good news is that the job was then offered to my very fine colleague and friend that I’ve had the pleasure of working with for the past year. Happy/sad feelings abounded with that news. The job could not have gone to a better person. I will miss him though.

Life goes on when we make a life-changing choice. It goes on, and plays out the choice we made, for better or for worse. Only time will reveal the wisdom of our choice.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)