Faith is a Formless Thing

My faith is like a small bouncing ball out of a vending machine. It bounces up and down and then I have to chase after it. And now that I just wrote those two sentences I have a further realization that perhaps that’s not faith after all because if I had it wouldn’t it be more static? And I certainly wouldn’t have to chase it down.

I see people all around me in support groups that have strong faith. They don’t lose sleep over whether they will have the wolf at their door kicking them to the street. Nor do they worry about losing a job, or becoming too ill to work. They have faith that their Higher Power has a plan for them.

For me, I’ve had too many bad things happen that I feel like I always have to ready for the next bit of bad. Faith feels scary to me, like I’m giving up the 24 hour watch, like I will miss something big.

I don’t know what else to say about this. The subject stumps me completely. Full stop. I know nothing. I only know that having it will likely bring me more inner peace because people that seem to have it appear that way.

About a year ago a good friend made a suggestion that worked for him. He suggested that I choose a person to trust. He said that as I start to trust this person more with sharing things about me it will be easier to contemplate having faith in a Higher Power. I’ve done that, found someone to trust. However, I’ve not experienced having that trust rollover into full-on faith in a Higher Power. My faith is intermittent, like bad wifi in a cafe. For now, that will have to be enough. I can’t eke out what isn’t there.

Have you ever run into your own therapist at a 12 step meeting?

It is a bit forward of me to start out with tossing this question out, “Have you ever run into your own therapist at a 12 step meeting? I say it’s forward of me because I’ve been absent from here for months upon months! This I recognize, and it’s been on my mind that my absence has grown longer and longer with each day. How to explain it? A good part of it is the fact that I’m well aware that my anonymity is not what it used to be, especially once I was Freshly Pressed. It’s been oh so hard to feel free to write on here. Also, recent struggles led me to isolate big time, and that isolation stretched to this blog as well.

But back to the original question, has anyone ever run into their own therapist at a 12 step meeting? I ask because this just happened to me this very morning with the therapist I wrote about here. What made it awkward is the fact that I’m still trying to sort out my feelings as to whether or not I want to continue working with her. She has many moments of brilliance and insight, but then I get annoyed when she says she will make a certain phone call, and then does not or it takes her two plus weeks to do it. We spoke about the phone call thing, and she apologized for it, but she said that she usually follows through, and I did not call her on it. She thought I was unhappy about that particular time we were discussing when she failed to make a particular phone call she had committed to make. I could have used my words and said, “No, you’ve done this before … ” Alas, I did not, and that is my issue to own.

I say all this to say that I think all of this colored my own pained reaction when I ran into her. She asked me if I was ok with it, and I said yes, which was not the complete truth. But what is one to do in the moment? After all, she’s a person too. She’s entitled to avail herself of 12 step meetings. Afterwards, I wanted to talk to her and assure her that I usually go to the 10:30 meeting, and that I would not return to the 9:00 a.m. meeting, that I was just there because I had a breakfast to attend, and decided to take in an earlier meeting. But it was not to be, as soon as the meeting was over she quickly scampered to someone and started what looked like a serious conversation, so I just left.

I would love to hear others experience with this kind of situation.